NocGal's Finger Art

Accidents rampage newspaper headlines

2007-11-01T02:23:00.000+08:00

i've been reading a lot of about fatal road traffic accidents involving motorcycles. i even rode past an accident scene which put me off riding for 2 days. the rider was lying in a pool of blood and gasping. unfortunately, he passed on afterwards. My mum reads the newspaper and has been telling me about them. I know she's worried but I love zipping around on my vespa. I don't want her to worry about me but how not to worry.

2007-09-29T02:40:00.000+08:00

for the previous post, i forgot to add that i have a new family member. I smuggled him from my attachment place. He's a blind guinea pig named DareDevil. cute little fellow.

the owner of the missing dog want to seek compensation from us. i'm upset, stressed etc etc. they think my carelessness is due to prejudice towards strays which is totally not true. the guilt is killing me and i can't type anymore to explain in details. ciao

Rebirth

2007-09-21T12:50:00.000+08:00

it has been almost a year since i last posted my blog entry. some how, at the back of my head, something has been tugging at my fingers to type something. so much has happened in the past one year. there must be some sort of outlet for it, i guess. and so this is the rebirth of my blog. ok some flash back to the past one year of my life.

1. i last stopped at my frustration with my parents. still frustrated now.
2. i was staying with my aunt until end of the year and during which i was told some shocking things i never knew. and it is really a burden to carry a secret that you can't tell others. telling it is wrong, not telling it is also wrong. shit.
3. i enrolled for class 2B lessons at CDC. Got bruises and body aches but it's worth it.
4. i was posted to NUS Animal Holding Unit. had my ups and downs during attachment. got a warning letter an offence. otherwise all turned out well. got to know many great people there whom i still keep in touch now.
5. in feb, i found a job, as a vet assistant, bookkeeper, personal assistant etc, not exactly what i wished for but it's close to what i want to do. but overall, i learn a lot.
6. then it's work work work work and saving hard for my vespa
7. pass my traffic police test on 7 june. I can officially ride!!
8. Aug - Baybeats was not bad. the previous years were better i think
9. bought my scooter and collected it on my birthday on the 12th Aug.
10. didn't celebrate my birthday with anyone except my colleagues. plans were made and then cancelled. disappointing. but mum bought me a strawberry cheesecake as usual. i love that woman.
11. on 14th aug, i got into a minor accident. i hit a car's bumper. and the driver happens to stay on my block. he advised me not to ride again.
12. on 16th aug, i was walking a stray dog that was hospitalised in my clinic after getting knocked by car. she slipped off the choker chain and ran away. managed to get close to it and tried to throw a lasso loop around her neck but got bitten by her. haven't been able to catch her.
13. is turning 20 a curse????
14. funeral for a friend gig was the bomb!
15. Jeff was castrated and at the same time had his teeth cleaned.
16. i really love my vespa.

2006-09-24T16:15:00.000+08:00

i'm at my wits' end. i've given my views and advices. all i have to give now is my life. if my death is a wake up call to both of you, i don't mind being dead. for someone with an uncertain future, it doesn't matter. this is to show how much your problems have affected me, how tired i am living all these shit. what for hacking the furniture? u can hack me to death, go to jail, and peace to the rest.

your actions are disdainful. i can't stand them. the way u shout and scream and push a woman.

i don't know what the church taught you. it seems to me that they taught you to leave everything to god and avoid the problem. this avoidance has done nothing good. the problem still exist and you sought comfort in prayers. where do we seek comfort from? only from a happy family and home that is unfortunately disrupted by that existing problem. i wonder, is religion made up by humans to find answers to questions they can't answer? to seek reassurance in problems they can't resolve? humans sure know how to pacify themselves with their imagination.

2006-09-16T11:30:00.000+08:00

feeling really troubled now. my friends at the other department had to cull 31 mice yesterday. why? because there is no demand for it. i was with my colleague when she was clearing the bodies of 3 young rabbits in the culling box. why was it culled? because the rabbits were not removed from the cages and the dirty cage was pushed into the dirty wash area. once that happens, the animals are deemed unusable so it will be culled. They are dead because of human error, i find this not justifiable. Make them reproduce so many babies, when there is not need for them, cull them. we are not talking about manufacturing good, we are talking about lives now.

my two other colleagues are animal lovers as well. they told me to view at all these in another perspective. these animals are sacrificed for the better of mankind, to find cures for diseases. ok fine, how about those who died for nothing, not having contributed anything but died because humans did wrong? having emotional turmoil and moral conflicts within. i thought i do not have to cull. damn it. i'm fooled.

2006-09-07T03:23:00.000+08:00

i'm posting to NUS animal husbandry unit. haiyah, apart from husbandry, anaesthetic, absl level 2 training, it still requires me to perform blood collection. what the fuck lah. i don't want to kill!!! damn it!!!

Some don't drink or eat pork because they are Muslims. some don't eat beef because they are Buddhists. i don't do animal testing because i'm an ...... animal rights advocate??? hmmm... that seems to be a bit too extreme of a title but you know what i mean. i find it so hard to explain why i don't want to be placed in a research lab.

when people ask me why i don't eat meat, is it because of religion, health, intolerance? nay, it is due to ethical and moral reasons. when i see my dog, i disdain the killing and suffering of animals to satisfy my tastebuds. then they'll tell me, even if you don't eat meat, other people still do. so why stop? if i said it is because of religion, i doubt they'll ask this. religion- sensitive issue, if u doubt a religion, u doubt its followers as well. doubt me as an individual, seems ok? Nay! the thing is i don't have a religion to explain my reservations, that's why i explain the long way with moral reasons. different religions preach their own sets of values. behind the customs of any religion definitely is based on moral reason. my reasons for not eating meat is quite the same as in Buddhist. question me about my vegetarism is tantamount to questioning Buddhism.

answer to that question. common sense lah. i know it makes a little difference, who know my abstinence from meat in my life time could have saved a few chickens. the sight of animals being killed inhumanely appals me, do you expect me to continue eating meat with a conscience that says this is all wrong? when the same question pops up again, the video below will save me a lot of explanation.

some of the reasons are a bit exaggerated, i think. just now, i read about the vegetarian celebrities, i was surprised to find out some of my idols are vegetarians. there is fiona apple, frank iero, wayne static, travis barker, serj frontman of system of a down, spiderman tobey macguire, brad pitt, jessica biel, nelly, avril lavigne etc. so many of them. Peace to the animals! haha

2006-09-01T02:24:00.000+08:00

joakim is out. i don't keep up with singapore idol often but i know about the big hoo haa about him. he wasn't good enough while deserving contestants get eliminated. i always see my sister getting really angry with him, screaming and shouting when the result was revealed. i feel happy that he is out of the competition, not because he deserves it, but because it is a relief for him, i guess.

imagine receiving harsh criticism from judges every week and knowing someone else deserves that place better than you do, wouldn't you wish that you are out of the competition too? i thought this may be what he was thinking, "i've given my best, sorry i can't perform up to your standard. do i have a choice to be out of this competition? no, i can't help it that so many people are voting for me. if i continue to be on SI, more people will hate me. i can't step out because i don't want to disappoint my fans. please don't vote for me." sometimes, you can tell this from his face.

i read in newpaper about the glares he receives in public. poor thing. sometimes we forget that people we see on TV are humans too, and we vent our unsatisfaction on them. don't be angry at joakim, blame it on some viewers' poor judgement of talent. he is out, so i guess he won't have to withstand anymore harsh criticism and those scornful glares.

my brother and i wanted to go the IT show. i want to look for video camcorders and he wants a harddrive. we arrived at suntec, exhibition hall to notice no crowd. my brother said, "eh, is it level 5 or hall 5, is it suntec or expo?" knnccb! go smash your head lah, we made a futile trip. ate ben n jerrys, knnccb again! the 3 scoop bowl cost $12.50. it was $8.50 initially. bro went back home, i chose to stay at suntec to try the vegetarian lasagne at delifrace. was seriously cashless, so i headed to the atm next to delifrance. knnccb! one machine was spoilt, the other couldn't dispense cash. i walked for 30 min in search for another posb atm. got my money, head back to delifrance. then again knncch! they don't have vegetarian lasagne for the time being. wah i really feel like smashing my head. is heaven trying to tease me or what? my life is short, i have no time for jokes ok?! knnccb!

i need money for video camcorder and one way air ticket to florida, jacksonville. cheapest ticket will cost me US$962 for next year's flight. that's like $1000 plus sing dollars. gonna save like mad. why am i going there? because i'm running away and never coming back to this shithole!!!

just kidding. i'm going to attend dana's wedding and then... maybe stay there for a while? visit disneyland? work for a few months? i don't know. i research about the employment regulation there. i don't understand the law language, they are not in simple sentences, so perplex to understand. i wish to see the world, not as a tourist but as a person living there.

Exams are over

2006-08-28T15:38:00.000+08:00

it's over, my last paper in polytechnic, if i don't take supp. got lots of time now to do whatever i want. got my materials to make the naruto sandals long ago but didn't spend anytime making it. now it's the chance!

haiyah, i'm still fretting over my sip posting. i got to talk to dr diana chan but i never seem to be able to reach her. how? how? how?

mum is still sick. she has been down with sinusitis for 2 weeks already. i must have passed her my germs through the orange juice we shared in JB. i only had it for a few days, she had for 2 friggin weeks already. feel bad. thankfully, i call HSA not to used my blood for transfusion. if the blood i donated kills someone, i'll kill myself.

does the world have a problem with me? or do i have a problem with the world and its ppl? i'm tired enough, don't bullshit with me asking if i have a problem with you. i realise i'm a misanthrope who has a problem with everyone.

2006-08-27T18:53:00.000+08:00

if anyone of you come talk to me just to diss me off, FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!

2006-08-24T22:51:00.000+08:00

the sip posting is affecting me badly. nobody wants to swap with me. i tried to contact mr cheung but to no avail. i really wish he'll work out something. everytime i try to study, the sip thing is at the back of my head. fuck lah. i really need to study Rtech, i only attended around 5 out of the so many lectures, and misses tutorials. even after a semester, i'm quite clueless about this subject. i deserve it. got to wake up? but i chose not to wake up for morning lectures and tutorials. and now, i may have to take supp.

damn, i can't concentrate. i'm fucked, so fucked up. 3 years in TP to be attached to some where u never intend to work in future. i'm not interested in lab and research work and really looked forward to working in zoo or vet clinic etc for internship. i'm not sure if this is a possibility. if they put me in house, at least i don't have to do animal testing but it'll be a disappointment for me. i'm so bothered by this!!! why so suay?!

2006-08-24T09:27:00.000+08:00

it took me a long time to sleep 2 nights ago as i was worrying away about my SIP posting. i was really worried that i'll be posted to somewhere doing something i dread - doing animal testing. even though i did not place research institute as any of my option, i knew there is a small chance i'll be doing that. instead of worrying about my upcoming papers, i was fretting over my sip posting. exam will be over in less than a week but sip, it's going to last for 4 months plus.

before the briefing, i had all these jitters, feeling so anxious as though on the brink of the panic attack. i needed some alcohol to calm me down, seriously. i drank some in the morning, pour some into my water bottle and brought it to school. this sounds crazy, i know. or maybe i'm really crazy! mind you i'm not an alcoholic. i don't know why, but i still felt anxious.

my biggest concern about sip is not about the allowance, working hours but is about having to do all these inhumane things to animals. i told my mum and friends about this. they assured me i'll get somewhere i like. what if the company really make me do this, how am i going to endure it for 4 friggin' months? all these what ifs were popping up in my head.

i attended the briefing with all these things in my minds, trying to assure myself that i'll be posted to somewhere i like. then the results of our postings were revealed. mine was paradigm theraputic pte ltd. it sounds like a research company. this relevation is one step away from my nightmare. i went to my lo dr yee mon, asked him about my job scope there. he said he'll tell me later and asked me to fill up the whatever forms. i want to know my job scopes really badly!!! that suspense was killing me! my other friends got to places like mount pleasant hospital, jurong bird park, fish farm and some other vet clinics. i seems like the only one who got that company. later i saw the form for my post. i am the only person attached there! i looked at the job description and saw the words, mouse colony!!! i'm fucked! so fucked up. my nightmare is a reality. i went off to the toilet to calm down first, then i tried to contact dr yee mon. couldn't get him! then i met tridansh, he asked about my posting and i just broke down.

people may think, what a loser to be crying over sip posting. try doing something against your conscience for 4 months. i'll go berserk! tridansh brought me to mr paul cheung, the sip coordinator. he told me that was a good place and that there are ex TP graduates there etc. i told him my issues. he assured me something can be worked out and asked me to concentrate on my exams. dr yee mon called me later asking what was the problem. he thought i seem ok handling all the animals. no, i'm not!!! deep inside i feel this guilt that is sinking me. do you expect me to cry and whimper during lab to show that i don't like what i'm doing? i admit i cry at night. i once dreamt of some people withdrawing blood from all over my body.

i didn't want to talk abt it at home but mum asked about it anyway. she said, "wah lao, why so 'qian' - right on the spot? *shakes her head* did u tell teacher you can't eat and sleep? there is only one posting doing this, really very qian. can don't do or not?" i don't do cannot graduate lor. she knows how i feel. my mental anguish only reveals itself at home not in school.

make me work long hours with no pay whatsoever, i don't care, just don't make me do animal testing. i can't stand the mouse shrieking in pain. i'll not be at rest for 4 months!!! Dr chan and mr jomer said we shouldn't complain. if i choose this job myself, i won't complain. but did not have a choice. if i were looking for a job, i wouldn't have chose this job anyway.

2006-08-21T01:15:00.000+08:00

There is so much i didn't update on the past week. going to do this brief. ok, on my birthday, headed to JB with mum and brother for some shopping. it was the malaysia mega sale, saw clothes that i like but there wasn't any of my size. either it's too big or too small. argh. only manage to buy a pair of pants which i really like.

rushed back to singapore for a primary school class reunion. dana is back in singapore and this time with her boyfriend, matthew. met up with some of my primary school classmates and two of my teachers. haha. they're both married now and dana is enaged! caught the fireworks display near victoria concert hall later on. had supper. some of us went to sarah's home for mahjong. i learnt a little bit but i haven't grasped the whole thing yet. stayed there until next morning, took a cab home to pack my stuff for sailing. lol. xiong. immediately rushed to meet up with sarah and her twin sister teresa, dana and matthew. rents 3 boats and sailed for hours. the wind was really good and it kicked ass. i totally miss the sport.

after sailing, met up with fad, grace, deb, brian, josh and edwin for dinner at marche. we had fun. and josh was trying to imitate the waiters there. lol. the waiters there are pretty spooky, their hands reach out from nowhere to clear the empty plates on the tables. desert was at ben and jerry's. whoa.... yum yum yum.

it was a hectic and fun weekend. probably the best ever. then back to school. boo. had 4 practical test, i think i failed 2 of them. got bitten by the mouse many times. i just let it bite. and had to euthanise it later. don't feel good about it. tested on suturing, did it on banana skin this time. it is so much easier than on the real rat. stitched wrongly, did it the cross stitch way. haha. and there was the revision lectures and blah blah blah.

suppose to be studying now. having test tmw, haven't finished studying. i have no place to study. brother in his room doing assignment, my sister using the coffee table and watching tv, there were dishes of food on the dining table. argh. i've been sleeping the whole day so that i can have some privacy at night to study. it really sucks not to have a room and having a hard time finding a suitable place and time to study. for the past 4 years, i've been sleeping and studying in the living room. privacy is something i yearn for. i think the reason for me being nocturnal is because i only get privacy at night. i'm already 19 and not having her own space!!! SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!!!!! i really feel like moving the fuck out of here. i really do. my mum doesn't mind if i stay with my aunt. i'm not sure how papa feels about this. it's like i'm abandoning this family or something.

i have a lot more to blabber about but i need to study now especially when i had missed 2 weeks of lectures. i'm also waiting for debarrment notice to be released. i think i'm in deep shit for skipping tutorials 3 times for rtech. but i haven't received any warning letters, i wonder if dr lim did mark me absent.

AGM

2006-08-12T02:30:00.000+08:00

attended annual general meeting just now. :'| I've stepped down as a quartermistress of ASC. Michael is continuing the legacy of the quartermistress. lol. looking at the powerpoint slides, the photos and all. a wave of nostalgia swept me. i didn't teared, was simply too stoned. i'll miss the times we toiled away for projects and stuff. oooo... and thanks for the cakes as well.

walked from TP to home. it was nice enjoying the night breeze. all these while my mum was trying to reach me!!! told her i'll be walking home with my friends. when i finally got home, she was still awake. she was worried about me as she couldn't contact me. oh my, i feel very bad. she bought the strawberry cheesecake for me and i made her worried by being uncontactable. something could have happened to me this late at night! she couldn't sleep because of me! apologized to her already. still feeling horrible though. why did i keep the phone at silent mode? ergh! so sorry mummy.

Just BURN!!!!

2006-08-10T00:17:00.000+08:00

i looked at all the different piles of papers around my computer desk and wonder just what the hell they are. Lecture notes? ASC stuff? Rough paper? stupid sketches? impt document? oh boy i don't know man. I'm pissed at the mess! I'm pissed at myself! I feel like burning everything so i don't have to study for exam because i burnt the lecture notes! Just burn all these burdens!!!

I'm invisible. An empty existence unbeknownst to some or something not worth noticing by some. Easily forgotten, easily substituted. If you want to said you forgot about me, just tell me!!! Stop all these excuses and assume that i this i that. I know I'm nothing. don't have to hide that from me. it is better to tell me straight than to beat around the bush. i have been disappointed so many times that i'm just inured to all these setbacks. it's not much difference for it to happen again. i'm numb... so numb that i'm indifferent to everything. am i anything to anybody? and YOU, do you even care?!!! it seems to me all you care is yourself. why are some people so willing to make sacrifices for others? fuck you!

reality is hard and hurtful that it numbs you like an anaesthetic does. too much pain for too long damages your nerve, until then, you can't even feel the pleasurable things. the sense of completeness erodes and slowly emptiness engulf.

if possible, put me into a perpetual sleep where I can live in my dreams. in my dreams, i'd exist in the utopia i imagine. my utopia will be a place i feel attachment to everything in it, and not be like an unnerving creature in reality, a place where i feel happiness, sadness and wrath, emotions that bring about completeness in my existence.

never mind if you don't understand my ranting. i'm typing all these because i want to dream of my utopia tonight. good night.

2006-08-08T13:47:00.000+08:00

National day's eve, I've no school today. yay! Here i am at home with pa and ah poh, feeling really flustered. boo! I don't know why i always feel this way when pa at home and ma is not. i don't feel like replying when he talks to me. I feel anxious whenever he opens his mouth. eergh... yeah, i'm weird. come on, leave the house soon. i can't stand it anymore.

i want to go shopping really bad. my wardrobe is full but i don't wear most of the clothes there. i have so many over-sized shirts, from those given by my brother to free school shirts. and my pants... some of them kenna bleach stain. haiz... there are so many clothes that i don't wear out.

for the past few weeks, i went shopping alone. all the tops and pants look the same to me somehow. and if there is pants that i like, they're too tight for me. that is the worst thing, feeling claustrophobic in your clothes. happened to me once, when i wore this pants which i haven't wore for a long time to a wedding dinner. it was tight on my waist especially when i sat down. and we ate and ate. oh my, my heart was racing, my chest felt heavy, i couldn't stop fidgeting. it was a horrible feeling. i kept visiting the toilet to "relief" myself a little.

I opt for baggy jeans, but baggy jeans with ladies cutting is so rare. i tried out my brother's jeans. oh no, it looks wrong, it looks as if i have ****. everywhere i go, it's always the tight fitting jeans!!! if i have the skills, i'd rather make my own clothes.

2006-08-05T02:14:00.000+08:00

finally, i took my first complete meal yesterday. for 2 days, i didn't eat anything other than biscuits. I survived but i feel damn weak. had Rtech lab today. went to school half dead. climbing up the overhead bridge was so draining. attended lab for less than half an hour, i went home. paid another $18 to extend my MC. fuck, should have asked for 2 days mc yesterday. plus the doc give me antibiotic which i don't think i need but i took it anyway. he wasn't listening. i am suffering from fatigue due to loss of nutrition and blood (donated blood on wed)!!!

went to doc on thursday, told him all the symptoms and he gave me medicines to treat my symptoms not the cause. one for sorethroat, one for giddiness and to get me to sleep, one for fever, one for running nose. i was expecting antibiotics but i was only given that on the second visit when i think i'm starting to recover from sinusitis. i just need the MC because i didn't feel well in school. if i'm not on the brink of debarrment, i wouldn't have bothered to extend my MC. crap. nvm, it just took it anyway. i've never taken so many types of medicine at one go.

just realised something, i sound like grace when i have sorethroat. lol.

mummy asked me if i like strawberry cheesecake. yummy of course! she intend to buy for me on my birthday. i was so touched and secretly i wept. she initiated to give me something on my birthday. when i was young, i'd bug her for stuff which i don't now. this time she initiated to buy me something after so long.

there were so many birthdays before when i just stayed at home alone a few years ago. always had cakes and candies in primary school, but in sec sch, we get busy and sometimes forget about it. the importance of birthdays seems to dwindle with every passing year. when your fingers can't even count the number of years you've lived, birthdays doesn't seem to be special anymore. it is just like any other days. not sure if this is the case for most, but for me, i feel this way.

doubt dad knew about my birthday before mum mentioned it. come on, i remember him asking me which year i was bornt in and how old i was. how much does he know about me, i wonder. last sat, aunt, bro, sis, mum and i went to sasake sushi to celebrate mum's birthday. does he even remember it was mum's birthday?

i remember one photo taken when i was in p2. it was mum's birthday. dad happened to come back to singapore. in the photo, my dad pecked mum on the cheek, my siblings and i looked so small. the birthday cake was superb. with chocolate and sugar icing. weird enough, i can remember. my parents seemed so loving. my goodness, but what fuck is happening now??? no comments. probably absence makes the heart grow fonder, and seeing each other too much makes your eyes go sore.

Sleeplessness

2006-08-03T04:07:00.000+08:00

I'm so bloody fucking tired. Head weighs like a thousand pounds and couldn't get back to sleep. not even 15 hours of sleep for this week. This is bloody frustrating. Either i sleep late or i wake up half way and couldn't go back to sleep. Should i get sleeping pills? will it be addictive or what?

just i woke up at 3am. It's my sinusitis acting up again. before blood donation today, i was fine. after giving away my blood, feel like fuck. sinusitis, it is such a nuisance. nose blocked, can't breathe properly, can't swallow food due to sore throat. I was so bloody pissed as my father scolded me for not eating. "See lah, i don't see you eating properly. no wonder you get sick." it sounded as if i deserve it. yes, whatever, don't have to drill on the fact that i'm sick. it is annoying when you're feeling great discomfort and get reprimanded for not eating well. he didn't want to stop reprimanding and seemed to enjoy it. fuck, it was solid food that he forced me to eat. i hushed him up and slept. in fact, i felt like throwing the food at his face and just scream and scream and destroy everything in my path. so freaking pissed!!! i can't stand my dad at times. he just doesn't know when to shut up and likes to put people down to prove his superiority. many times, all i had for him was disdain.

woke up when mum came back, at least she was understanding enough to cook some soupy dish for me. she didn't force me to eat! made the effort to eat but didn't finished it though. i complaint about pa to her. then talked about OSIP. there is one really cool OSIP in Hong Kong's Ocean Park, an attachment to a veterinary hospital. pretty cool but there's only one vacancy. have to bear most of the cost if i am to go there. doubt i can bear the cost. mum said, "haiz, do you think papa even care about it?" suddenly i felt as though i was neglected by one of my parents, it is my mum who is trying to provide everything for us, allowance, tuition fee for us 3 siblings. haiyah, i feel very confused. it is unfair to side my mother all the time, not like my dad is really that bad. can't help feeling that way. i just feel pried apart.

gonna try to head back to sleep now. oh boy, feel like crying because i'm so tired but couldn't sleep. boo hoo hoo. :'(

2006-07-27T03:04:00.000+08:00

It has been eons since i last blog, only a few weeks but it feels like eon. Just to let everybody know I'm alive and kicking, haha. nothing much happened. I'm still whining about school and missing tutorials, now on the brink of debarrment for Rtech. i know how the new warning letter looks like so i can keep it away from my papa. for friends who wish to hide the warning letter, for your info, this time the address is all typed out instead of handwritten. don't expect to TP logo on the envelope, the guardian's name and address is typed on the letter itself and can been seen through this transparent window on the envelope. the paper is beige in colour and of good quality with the AS logo head printed on the right. (the paper used for subcomm appointment letter and director's listing.)no longer the photocopied kind of thing. the school sent it around one half week after the absence.

i didn't manage to spot the previous one, got questioned by papa. damn it.

Labs, brought my dog to school 2 weeks ago. he created hell lots of cacophony at AS when i was away and attempted to bite dorothy. his barks can even be heard at level 8. killed rats last week, and today, killed fish and chicken. The rat i handled was really tame. he cooperated during the blood collection and all. still, no matter how nice the rat is. it has to be euthanised as for the fish and chicken.

while working with the chickens today, it was surprising that they didn't struggle as much as the other animals. it was surprising as if chickens knew they are not meant to survive but to become food on the table. We injected the euthanising agent. before mr jomer withdrew the needle, it died within 3 seconds. it seemed to relent to its fate so quickly.

human euthanasia is illegal in most countries but animal euthanasia is not. it is irony that patients who are stricken with chronic diseases with death as prognosis, can't die when they so badly want to while animals that are alive and thriving to survive can be so easily killed by human. I'm wondering if there is a right, that is the right to die. if there is a right to live, shouldn't there be a right to die? It is hard to say, even in the dimmest moment during the course of a chronic disease, unprecedented recovery can happen. it'd be a waste if a patients be euthanised before the miracle can happen righto?

I feel that euthanaisa abate the value of life. During animal health and disease lecture, we learnt about diseases in rats and mice. For many diseases, the treatment is to euthanised the whole colony even if it means not all are infected. Someone then posted a question to dr sim, "why don't we do this to cats and dogs? if they're ill, just euthanise." His reply was, "rats and mice are more affordable than cats and dogs." I posted another question, "how can a life be measured by price?" he just shrugged. anyway that wasn't suppose to be an ethical debate lesson. I wonder if humans are sold as pets by alien beings, how much do we cost. if all creatures on earth is to be bornt with a price tag, are the more expensive ones really more worthy of keeping? dodo birds became extinct because they're too cheap? the thing is we are not bornt with price tag so who are we to judge.

Life, something so divine that takes 9 months to procreate in mother's womb (2 years in the case of elephants!) can be easily ceased in minutes or even seconds with euthanasia. It's like buying a flat for $100K and selling it for $50K. Ok, that's a bad analogy. Not saying you should take 9 months to die as well. At least let nature run its full course, without interfering in the cycle of life and death. So, should we uphold the value of life or the right to die???

some random thoughts. my train of thought is so jumbled up. i was supposed to be talking about animal euthanasia. animals possess a certain degree of intelligence and emotions and ought to be treated with respect especially when they're alive, whether they're used for research or food etc. however, i still can't stand it when my classmates were playing with their bodies or performing other necrophilic behaviours. (one group removed the rat's testicles, another one push the rats' testicle in and it was nowhere to be seen. what's this fetish with rat testicles man?! damn sick.) respect the dead!

Life's path and the people on it

2006-07-09T06:51:00.000+08:00

Life is the path we take. Friends are the people we walk together with on the road. Our birth is the threshold of the different starting points on which we begin the journey. As we walk, our path converge with other's path. We meet new people and walk this path together. There will be a point where a junction is met and choices have to be made. Which way should i go? Yes, you may be separated from your friends and have to walk a new road alone or with people who never knew.

i thought about this when i decided not to run for ASC. I had this feeling that since i chose to walk away from this road named ASC, i won't be meeting the people there as often as before. We used to go for dinners after meetings and all those outings. Since i'm not longer part of it, i won't be seeing them so much. am i right?

Remember in primary 6 and sec 4 or 5, the roads we walk with our school mates were reaching the junction. With the choices of so many schools to move on to, separation is inevitable if we have to continue walking. "Keep in touch" that what we wrote in friends' autograph book. Easier said than done. Can we really keep in touch with every single one of your schoolmates? At least for one of them, it would be the last time seeing them.

My sec 4 maths teacher told us all it's really difficult to meet each other after we graduate no matter how much we said we would at that time. True enough, i don't see most of them after graduation. He made all of us write something about everybody else in the class and bind it into some sort of a booklet. glad that i've at least something to remind me of them. some of them moved really far far away. there is only one in a billion chance that i will see them again.

had a close sec sch friend whom i kept in contact with after graduation. she was my eating kaki, always heading down to chinatown trying all food. i was angry with her one day, screamed at her, we never contact one another anymore. i happened to read one of her testomial for another friend. both of them have been going chinatown together. it seems like i'm being so quickly replaced by another eating kaki. i can be substituted so easily, am i not?

after i moved out of the previous neighbourhood, i stopped going down to the playground to play. a few years later, i saw in the news that one of my playground playmate committed suicide. she was only in primary school! sigh. the last time i went playground to play was the last time i saw her. there is no chance i am going to see her again.

it's not an easy thing to keep in touch amidst moving on with your life. there will definitely be a few who walk with you for long. people come and people go. before the road diverge, treat it as if it is the last time you are seeing these people who walked with you once.

you're really lucky if you have someone to walk with you till the cliff edge.

2006-07-04T13:49:00.000+08:00

i'm in school now. came here for less than an hour when lesson ended. dang. missed morning tutorial, arrive 40mins late for lecture. i can wake up in time, but i didn't want to, deserved to be whacked man!!!

2006-06-30T00:57:00.000+08:00

i'm not running for main comm. too tired and don't like to hog on to a position for too long. we need new blood. if i do run, doubt i'll bother to campaign.

went to the club room yesterday. damn messy!!! i want it to be neat before i step down lah. argh.

watched superman with fad just now. SUX BIG TIME!!! ARGH. don't watch it please, u'll kill urself if don't heed my advice.

2006-06-29T00:36:00.000+08:00

Went hysterical before lab, threw my lab coat at tridansh so many times, and growling not wanting to go lab. notice some eyes looking at me. i'm really crazy. have these jitters before every lab and i just need to vent it out by throwing stuff. sorry tridansh.

it's not just me who is dreading school. Today, i faked sick and got an MC with tridansh and adonsia. didn't want to go lab to do some stuff to rabbits this time round. the last week of the previous term, i've got 3 warning letters already. if i get any more i'd be deferred for more subjects. i better get mc this time round. it's my first time faking MC and i don't know what symptom to tell the doc. my friends said i look as if i have a headache. ok, headache then!

we went to this doc who is like crook. he gives MCs freely. you tell him menstral cramp or that u're tired, he'll give it to u. when tri and adon all came out of the room, i can't help laughing. this is simply hilarious. all told the doc these horrible symptoms but we were having a good time eating lunch before that. but adon's bf told me i really look sick so should have not problem faking. lol. sick of school probably.

told doc i have headache in my "sick" voice. he asked, "didn't sleep enough, is it?" yeah, i said. really true enough, i didn't sleep enough for the break though it's a break. oh my, is it so obvious? he took my blood pressure, it's normal. ask if i want 1 or 2 days off. since i'm paying 14 bucks, might as well ask for 2.

yay! i escaped 6 hours of mentally torturous lab and saved the rabbit from agony of injections and trauma. but 14 bucks is a bit too much.

i hope to own a booklet of MCs which serves like a cheque book. whenever i don't feel like schooling, i just sign and rip out one. cool eh.

looked at myself in the mirror just now, i look like a damn drug addict. scared the shit out of me. with these eye bags, it obvious for anybody to see that i don't have enough sleep.

went home and took a nap. mum came home and ask why not int school. told her i took MC. she blamed it on working late at night now that i got sick. arh, i'm fine actually. if i told her the truth, she'll be pissed at me for wasting money. you don't know what i go through during lab.

2006-06-23T16:15:00.000+08:00

went to chinatown with my mum and aunt. on our way back home, talked to mum about pa. all his venturing and stuff. haiz... told her what i tried to tell pa, told her how smothered i feel, how i want to reach out and talk but couldn't, what if everything fails and it will be like the period when he was jobless for two years. he was stressed and frustrated, i was like a damn fucking punching bag, every minute i was home with him, i couldn't relax, and the way he always picked up fights with mum. i'm scared. i don't want to go through this shit again. i told her everything i wrote in the previous blog entry. was it ambition or greed that drives him? the blunt answer she gave was of course greed. "do you think he was thinking about all of your future? uni fee and all. these are just excuses, he's greedy, he want to earn lots of money.... and what for? not like you can bring these money with you when you die. i've given all i could as a wife. as long as he don't drag me down with him." she went on to complain about the usual stuff she always complain about. money and ah po...

she mentioned my brother's difficulty in getting uni loan. his pay wasn't enough and all. he tried asking pa and again it was excuses he gave about trying to get money back from somewhere. bro was definitely pissed. i feel terrible for him as well. seeing the situation i don't forsee myself going uni either. i told mummy i long ago gave up my dreams of entering uni. it'd just be more burden. btw i think i got debarred from exam. she asked why? i skipped quite a few lessons because i didn't feel like going. she paused a while and sighed, "juvena, i'm trying to give my best for you all already till i'm so tired. you guys are big enough. i can't monitor you all the time. everything is up to you." i could tell she is really disappointed with my apathy. suddenly a realisation just hit me so hard that i was such an idiot, a fucking stupid fool. i want to cuss at myself. there my mum is toiling away so that i can study and i just didn't want do and risk myself of retaking a subject. i'm tired to study, but i should at least attend my lessons to save the debarrment. i'm some fuck up daughter. i don't deserve to be your daughter. oh boy, i hate myself. why didn't i think about all these?

2006-06-20T02:47:00.000+08:00

i'm worried for the risk you are taking. there were so many time you made impetuous decisions that upset those around you - decisions that failed to fulfill your good intentions and turned out the otherwise.

things have since stabilised. you are doing well i'm proud to say. i know you want to go further. don't be overconfident and make rash decisions. learn from past mistakes. i hope you even acknowledge it was a mistake. you've been though shit and got out of it. i hope that will never happen again.

i told you to be content with what you have now, instead you shut me off by saying i know nothing. sometimes i can't help to feel this insatiable desire from you, not sure from being ambitious or greedy.

whatever that happens, take responsibility for yourself and don't push blame to others.

there is so much i want to say to you. i don't know how because you never listem and don't give me a chance to speak. i just feel so smothered by your pride, not sure how is this message going to get to you either.

i don't want it all happening again.

2006-06-17T12:09:00.000+08:00

Ever wonder why divorce rate is on the rise? I blame it on fairy tales.

Recall Snow White and the Seven Dwaves, or Cinderella. In these stories, the both Princes married the main characters because they are beautiful. You may see this line, "The prince decided to marry the princess after seeing how beautiful she was."

There are so many other stories like that. Young kids who read the stories begin to have these notion that affinity to spouse is based on appearance. At their foundation stage, kids at that age are most likely to be influenced by what they learnt. Subconciously, they bring this notion to adulthood.

Snow White who is so gullible to believe that there is free lunch (or rather apple) in this world may someday get cheated and rip off her husband's wealth. Cinderella who is so clumsy and forgetful to leave her shoes and everything else behind may diss the prince off. Or before marrying them, the princes might have many other wives and turns out to be this flirtatious bastard. Or princesses became naggy bitches who drives their husbands mad, or they had no time to take care of their appearance after giving birth to so many children, or the husband could not handle the stress of running a country that they turned into a drunkard or an abusive ass.

(I'm always hoping for a sequel of Snow White and Cinderella. Bet it's more exciting. Haha.)

They could not stand each other and began to wonder their reason for marriage in the first place. The solution is a marriage counsellor which i doubt they have in those time, and worse come to worst divorce!

Fairy tales are evil! I understand why Madonna chose to write her own fairy tales for her children.

2006-06-16T03:20:00.000+08:00

Why studies so hard to obtain qualifications when all it does is to get a you a stable job?
Why earn so much money when you can't bring it to the netherworld?
Why try to please others when they never remember what you did?
Why forgive when you can't forget?
Why obey rules when you think they're nonsensical?
Why drink when you will have to urinate?
Why eat when you will have to defecate?
Why live when you will have to die anyway?
Why is there existence when there is extinction?

I'm asking myself these. told my mum to ask God before she leave for church camp.
I'm more convinced with a secular answer but is willing to hear it from a religious person.

i think it's all someting to do with the will of survival - physical, social, psychological aspect of suvival. Is it because of the will of survival that we can exist or our existence that drives us to survive?

you must be thinking i'm crazy to be mulling over all these trivial stuff, like who even think about this? i do because i feel as if i'm losing this will to survive.

i took taxis to work and to school so many times this week because i'm so lazy and didn't bother if i've enough money to eat. i skipped many lessons before term test, to be at risk of debarrment. i think i'm debarred for one subject. turning up half an hour late for quiz and failing it, not caring about director's list or studying vet sci in uni. (director's list just make me seem more like a freak of nature.)

i'm screwing up this life of mine which no one else seems to care about, neither do i. why am i making sacrifices for others when they can just simply quit on us? when i put in my heart to doing something, i expect others to do the same too but they don't! i'm so so disappointed. was i expecting too much from them? i don't see why they can't do it if i can. can't help to turn cynical about people i work with. sheez...

Term break is here!

2006-06-10T05:22:00.000+08:00

hooray term test's over. i didn't feel relief somehow probably, it didn't felt like a burden in the first place. my classmates seems so stressed out and i was at home watching anime and figuring out some cosplay stuff. distractions distractions!

now what's there to do for the term break? well, i'm working at night, and probably during the day attend meeting for the upcoming carnival event. ho ho ho. bz bz bz. i like being bz. i wanna try cosplaying (don't laugh) or at least try making the items myself. however, nobody seems wanting to cosplay with me. Being a DIY freak, i see every costume with its complexity as a challenge. the joy of cosplaying to me is not to wear the costume and parade around but it is the process of finding ways to figure out how to make the costume, and seeing it to completion by your own hands. that is the point that intrigues me. just like how i had made a naruto forehead protector with aluminium can. so far i have completed the metal portion only. then using nail and mullet to create the indention of the konoha symbol, drew over it with permanent marker and maybe later try with acrylic paint. haha. i'm so proud of my work!!! next is my attempt to make the naruto sandal and the dagger. i'm starting to fall in love with my sewing machine and glue gun and stuff that pieces things together. mummy, thanks for buying it for me. i was able to create so many things or stupid things with it. (i made a tie for my dog once, he chewed on it. -_-")

probably i should be a full time costume maker and sell my stuff on ebay. so cool right.

came back from work not long ago. will be working night shift during the world cup period. wah lao, there wasn't a lot of people so it was pretty boring. customers ordered little bit of stuff and sat there for 2 hours or so. nothing much to do. boss asked some of us to knock off early and so i did.

and sunday night will be crazy. will be working from 7pm to 6am next morning. after which at 10am i have MCS meeting in school after that maybe meeting for the carnival. i'm not particular about the sleep part but the duration of work. 11hrs. my feet are aching from 7 hours of standing and walking just now. my brain cells are already dying from sleep deprivation, now my feet cells too.

oh yeah, happen to know one insomniac from my work place. he's worse than me, he don't sleep for 3 or 4 days. he is stressed from work.

the most for me on normal days (not during chalet), maximum, i don't sleep for one day and average hours of sleep is 3 to 4 a day. then cannot wake up in time for school, even if i do, i'll just lie down there for 30 min. so there goes my morning lecture and comes the warning letter. sometimes i'd just rather not sleep at all lest i wake up late.

it's already 5 plus. shouldn't i be sleeping already? i need some vallium...

North Vietnam Trip

2006-06-06T16:48:00.000+08:00

stress is proportional to expectations

2006-06-04T23:29:00.000+08:00

simply lost the ability or rather the motivation to study. mind seems to shield itself from any burden. term test is tmw and why am i not a bit worried when i failed terribly for recom tech quiz. don't seem to give a shit anymore. dr lim ask why i failed and said he has high expectation of me. oh please don't. i'll only disappoint you.

i hate it when people have expectations of me. i don't think they have a right to. i only have myself to answer to, and not anyone else. i don't owe them anything and they expect something from me. oh please.

sometimes i think i should stop trying so hard to please others when i'm not pleased with myself. come to think about, i was, at times, not pleased with myself for not being able to please others. oh whatever. though i tried and tried, they never know how much effort was put in. these efforts were dismissed like dust that falls on their shoulders.

you see how expectation is linked to stress. stress is self induced. the higher the expectation you place on yourself, the more stress it brings. either you handle your stress well, or lower your expectation. i choose the latter, because i can't handle it. maybe i'm just lazy and giving excuses. whatever.... so what do i expect from myself? i'm clueless. let time drag this life to where it brings me to. term test is so troublesome. (oh my, i'm starting to sound a bit like shikamaru.)

2006-05-31T14:23:00.000+08:00

You think you understand me. oh please, don't even try to understand me for you never will. all those are just your assumption. you can never know how i feel.

stop trying to act like you know me. you actually don't. if you do know me, you wouldn't have said all those upsetting things in the past and making my life miserable. i don't see a point in all these! i just don't!

hate it when you demand me to answer your question. i never want to let you know of anything. just like how you talk to her when she tell you her problems. hate your answers. you are not listening when people want you to listen. why should you care about my problem when i don't even care? i just want to be left alone. my request is as simple as that.

i don't feel like going to school. don't ask me why. i just don't feel like! stop telling me to call the teacher to inform them and asking me why why why??!?!! fuck. just shut up. what for inform them. the lecturers don't hesitate to issue a warning letter.

pissed...

2006-05-28T03:11:00.000+08:00

in the end, didn't study for rtech quiz. after lab, i couldn't stop thinking about the mouse. really not in the mood to study. cried myself to sleep. woke up in time to attend my quiz, just idle on my mattress not sure if i want to go to school. dreaded school so much all of a sudden. went for the quizz but was half an hour late. wrote whatever i know. didn't bother much since i didn't study. gonna fail for sure. dr lim, i'm not a gd girl as you thought me to be.

have been working for the past few days at night which is good. i'm occupied and earning income. during the world cup period, going to work until 6am at times. lol. i don't mind. after work i can head to school.

though grace and i work at the same cafe. don't really get to work with her. she seems so busy and i'm just so available to work. lol. don't have lots of projects in hand. maybe it'll come next term.

going to try get some sleep now. ciao.

Murderer did her job.

2006-05-25T02:09:00.000+08:00

went for lab. couldn't bear to do the terminal procedure - intracardial puncture. saw some of the other mouse desperately grasping for breath while dying. after finishing all the injections and blood collection, i walked out of the lab, revathi and i don't want to do anymore. tridansh happen to be outside too. talked about the experience. he said it's better to let it die now than to suffer more poking and injections. thought through it, since all the mice entered this lab, its fate is destined to be a practice tool for us. why not end this cruel fate for them instead? i see her bruised tail and tummy, and bleeding eyes, it's heart wrecking. definitely not going to let her live through this again. Ran back to the lab before the anaesthetic wears off, quickly did the cardiac puncture, drew as much blood as possible. after which, we euthanised her by breaking its spine. oh my, she was still breathing. another time, not dead yet, 3 times, 4 times. what a resilient mouse. we injected the euthanising agent. still breathing. go to the light!!! damn it!!! such will to live, but who am I to snatch her right to live. i feel like a murderer! taking life away from something which wants to live so much. brought the mouse to mr jomer and this time he pulled the spine so hard i was afraid that she will lose her head. finally, after a few second, she kicked the bucket. Rest in peace. i'm sorry to stop you from living.

i'm feeling like crap. over a mouse... yes... a mouse that doesn't want to die... call me emotional... whatever. seeing a lively mouse moving around your hand a moment ago and then seeing it lying lifeless and still on the table- me, being the cause of all these, fraught with guilt. don't know how to forgive myself. physical torture for the mouse, psychological torture for me.

no mood to study for tomorrow's quiz.

should i or should i not?

2006-05-24T08:48:00.000+08:00

pissed, confused, upset, stressed, mixed feelings whirling in me, affecting every part of my body. i was immobilised. lying on the mattress for one hour, not knowing if i want to attend school today. sucks man. heck, i'm already missing my rtech lecture, after which is lab, that is when i've to do some inhumane stuff to my mouse 'barenaked nose' and kill it afterwards, maybe dissecting it!!! crap, how can you use a capillary tube to collect blood from the eye sinus? it's like using the nose of a bottle to dig out your eyeballs. why needle isn't used instead? and for goodness sake, why can't they spend a little bit more on the anaesthetic. fuck man, this all sound so wrong. i gave up meat out of respect for these animals and now they want me to do this shit!

the jitters is giving me tummyache.

2006-05-22T04:04:00.000+08:00

worked until 12.40am. woo hoo! after which, went to makan with bernard and hock chuan. we chatted about lots of thing, life experiences to events that used to happen in TP.

i understand why TP was known to be a happening place. he shared so much that i realised that was so much that can be done when organising an event. one thing i realised in asc is that we lack the balls to take risk. though we have limited funds and people in AS and all, that is not an excuse to limit the magnitude of our events.

i remember attending briefings as a sub comm and main comm member, sometimes when problems about the day's event were brought up, excuses, not solutions were brought up to shake away the problem. i don't feel conceded. is that it? it can't be solved? hmmm... shouldn't there be at least an effort to rectify problem. even if the solution comes with a risk, it is worth trying or else you'll never know.

talking to hock chuan today made me realised if you don't attempt to cross the known limit, you'll never know how far you can go. he shared with me some of the projects that ESC did while he was the advisor. i was very impressed.

duck race, bringing the whole engine school to sentosa to play games, organising a heritage tour version of amazing race for 1000 secondary school students, oltc at the southern singapore islands, amazing race with MRT (it was so successful that SMRT adopted this idea to launch something.), etc etc...

i was awed. when he was telling me all these, i was thinking that's because they have the money what. then, i went on to ask him, doesn't lack of fund limit the magnitude of our project? he said that infact many of the projects received sponsorships from various companies. bernard had to fax sponsorship letters to many companies and presented their projects to them.

so conclusion, though AS is small and has little funds, that's not the end of the road. there are actually ways to get more. never be dishearted by limitations and give up trying. think out of the box for there may be solution to it afterall.

whoa whoa, talked over dinner until 2.45am. bet bernard must have heard all these while he was an ESC member. i now know why hock chuan is respected by so many.

it's 5.27. 30 more mins before my sister wakes. lol. turning in!

2006-05-15T01:27:00.000+08:00

It's so hard being a mother especially for my mum. I wished I can ease your burden and make you feel better but I don't know how. i can only lower my demands for you. Also, sorry to make you worry about me. Love you lots.

Happy Mothers' Day.

This blog is dying but I'm not!

2006-05-08T02:19:00.000+08:00

Have not been blogging for eons. Was busy during holidays for week zero, was slightly busy when school reopened - textbooks selling, tutoring service, projects etc. It's good being occupied. Better than doing nothing.

Went for job interview at Hock Chuan's cafe, White Tangerine, situated in Kovan CC. I'm glad that i didn't burst out laughing at the thought of the hock chuan incident during interview. LOL. I just smirked.

Hopefully, I'll get to work there. Need the money pretty badly, still owing $600 but at the same time, i feel bad for not choosing to help out at my father's stall. Tough choice. Pa, you can handle, right? Don't blame me for working outside k?

I agreed to work after midnight which is just the right time for me since i'm nocturnal. May have to work until 5am on days with good world cup matches. Honestly speaking, I don't mind! Instead of spending sleepless nights at home doing nothing, i can do something and get paid. There will be a pub there and i hope to pick up some bartending skills. Yay, this arrangement is perfect.

2006-04-25T23:59:00.000+08:00

Week zero is over. Feeling so empty right now. Sigh... So much to say, don't know how to start.

Feeling frustrated all of a sudden. With who? Myself i think.....

2006-03-17T01:49:00.000+08:00

fuck, when u seriously think that somebody made a stupid mistake but u can't tell that to him because u know he is so headstrong and will nvr admit wrong, it gets on your bloody nerve.what's worse was when he tries to justify himself further. all you wanna tell him was to save his stinky breathe and shut the fuck up.

i dread being back in singapore. ask me if i miss home at all. fuck no. at hanoi, i finally got to relax, sleep well and eat damn well that i gained back the 2 kg i recently lost. i would call this vietnam trip the best sojourn away from home.

made friends there, had beautiful memories of the scenery and the times spent with the Hmong girls. All the soeths, chee, man, min, zo, the youngest of all. by why aren't these memories vivid enough as i recall them? it seems to wane at each recollection. i loathe myself for not remembering good enough. i could only bring about those images by looking at the photos we took. the photos are however, inanimate. i need life in my reminiscence.

the vietnam trip seems so foggy in my mind. memories are shrouded by fucked up things here i guess. feel so lonely all of a sudden. such a drastic shift in my spirit, as if i was frolicking on grassland covered with flowers and then i suddenly fell into a pile of dung. i want go back there so i can revel in the feelings again and living in those exact vivid moment, instead of just cloudy memories.

the trip is like a dream i never want to wake up from. it's an escape from everything i've dread.

10 days... that's is the longest period i've spent away from home and family. after a week at vietnam, it felt as though i lived there already. oh boy, i miss vietnam. being back home is so weird. my home looks different and foreign to me all of a sudden. my mum, my dog, my comp, my blanket, my facial wash.... all the subtle little things had changed in my view. now i began questioning where my refuge really is.

2006-02-27T03:20:00.000+08:00

mct logbook due tmw, haven't done it. crap, i don't know how to go about starting it! i'm procrastinating again. don't feel like handing it in at all. haiz....

doubt this break isn't going to be a break. there is still oltc and week 0 to settle. big projects. everytime i check my asc mail, there seem to be more and more things to do. despite spending so many hours at deborah's house discussing, the job scope seem perpetual. stressed man. i can't do my mct logbook, i suddenly felt that i'm inapt being the organiser of week 0. erm... doesn't quite link. i mean i can do simple things like my logbook. how do i expect myself to handle oltc week 0?

i wanna work to pay for the vietnam trip expenses which are from my uncle. yet at the same time, i'm afraid if i get a job, i'd not have time for oltc week 0 preparation. i need a flexible part time job, and please not a sales promoter job or any job having to meet people. not that i'm fussy, it's just that sociophobia is getting on me. i can't stand forcing myself to smile at customers when i least want to or talking to anyone when i want to be left alone or praising how marvellous this product is when i think it is a total waste of money. after customer's purchase, i felt accomplishment but this doesn't make up for the guilt i felt for manipulating them into buying that crappy product. my conscience cannot rest! i hate sales job, exonerate me from it! maybe factory job will do. i don't mind working midnight shift since i'm nocturnal. all i have to face is the product, no people. am i right? better be...

talking about work. my mum just shared with me this incident whereby she has to tell white lies. why? when backstreet boys were in town some time ago, they actually stay at grand hyatt hotel. my mum is an operator there and the operators were instructed not to disclose any information regarding BSB's sojourn at hyatt. you should know the consequences if everyone knows.

when BSB was in sg, my mum received a phone call from a guy asking if BSB is staying at hyatt. maybe it's a BSB fan who want to book a room next to BSB. the conversation went something like that as told by my mum.

BSB fan: hello, may i know if backstreet boys is staying over at hyatt?

mum: sorry sir, i don't have any information regarding that.

BSB fan: are you sure???mum: i'm really sorry, sir. i don't know.

BSB fan: do you who are the BSB?

mum: i don't know, sir (they have to address callers all the time.)

BSB fan: OH MY GOD! you don't know who the BSB are??!!

mum: sorry sir, i really don't know who they are.

BSB fan:......oh my god!........

mum:.......

BSB fan seemed very upset that BSB are not known by anybody, apparently trying to make my mum sound stupid. my mum didn't relent a single bit which she did so right because......

10min after that call, one of the big head manager wished to know who picked up that phone call. he told the supervisor to give my mum a good pat on the shoulder for the white lie because the BSB fan was actually flying dutchman. the conversation was aired. the big head manager should be listening to flying dutchman show at that time, that's why. i wonder how my mum sound on radio...

2006-02-24T02:16:00.000+08:00

exam's over. yay!!! only left with mct logbk to hand in.

there's relief and yet dread. feel relieved that i don't have to touch books and go for lectures and tut and long hours of prac. dreading about what to do now. had been sleeping like crazy since yesterday. last night was the first time i dreamt in two months. i dreamt that i was in this dirty toilet and the cleaner auntie was there. then i was in the train with this person. there was more before this but i can't recalled. pretty damn weird. dreams are always weird.

this is to make up for lack of sleep for the whole of semester. for the past 2 months or so, kept sleeping at 3 or 4 am occasionally 5 plus (to greet my mum goodmorning), had a hard time getting off the mattress. as a result, always arriving late for tutorial and missing morning lecture. is it worth it to get warning letters just for 15 min more of sleep? haha. at the time, i was really too tired to actually give a damn. i just wanted to sleep so much that i'd bite anyone who tries to wake me.

read "sleep disorder for dummies" last year. haha. went through almost everything and the symptoms, which then lead to my self-diagnosis - delayed sleep phase syndrome (DSPS) aka night owl syndrome. 95% of the symptoms applies to me!!!

i got DSPS! i'm going to die! i'm going to die!!! yeah right.... i'll die one day but not die of DSPS.

all these scientific names make it sound as though it's some serious shit. it ain't that bad. symptoms need to persist for more than 3 months. i've this going since sec 2 but things got worse for the past 2 months. losing stuff like my handphone, friend's pencil, my notebook and new pencilcase, can't concentrate during lecture especially Alvin poh's one. he mumbles during lecture and it sort of lull me to sleep. once, i cried on my way to school because i seriously want to sleep. ppl on the bus must be thinking what's with this girl. haha. damn embarassing but it wasn't funny at that moment. all these must be due to stress and lack of sleep. it's holiday now, i guess things will turn out for the better.

i'm going vietnam next saturday. doesn't feel as if i'm going because if i feel that way, i'd be excited. simply speaking, i don't feel excited so what's the point of going right. since i paid, i must go. it better be good which i think it will be. going to kayak around the islands and into the caves, spending nights on boat, trek from villages to villages and spending 2 nights there, sight seeing along the way, waterfalls, rice field, mountains, beach, islands, going to shop too. ok, speaking of all these excites me already. i may want to stay there, get married and never come back. dr chang said that nobody will want me, i'm already considered too old to marry. damn it, young or old, i know nobody will want me anyway.

gonna share a room with ping ting and ms tan. ms tan actually intended to sleep in a room by herself. some girls in my class scared her with ghost stories from vietnam that she doesn't want to sleep alone anymore.

dad doesn't know about it because i didn't talk to him. argh whatever lah. he doesn't need to know. if anything happens to me in vietnam, it'd be good for him. fuck.

2006-02-19T16:58:00.000+08:00

tmw is my haem paper but i haven't hit the books.

nowadays i'm not going to even try to ace my paper, just a pass will do. why for try so hard when nothing goes into your head and knowing that u're not going university? in the past semesters, i studied because i thought i could go university. now, i'm daunted by the fact that i couldn't find any scholarship and all the fucked up crap that has been happening in the past few months. past effort has been wasted. even when i see a tint of hope, i'm already too tired to try. maybe i'm doing this to spite my father. he wants us to go university. well, fuck him and his dreams for me. he's the cause of my adversity. sometimes, i despise him to the core. at times, i know he was toiling away for our sake. love him or hate him, i don't know. Felt about horrible not talking to him since chinese new year. i simply can't listen to him anymore. hearing his voice just make me reminisce everything and drives me nuts. whatever, i'm a terrible daughter. he's better off without me.

the paper is in less than 24 hours time. part of me urges me to study, part me wants to give up. I’m in total disarray.

2006-02-16T02:19:00.000+08:00

It was V day. Had a bad start in the morning. that fellow yelled at me earlier in the morning just because i accidently knock his pillow while keeping the mattress. he asked me i not happy is it? i just kept quiet. yeah, i'm not. i guess the last time i was really happy was in primary school when you weren't around in sg. ha. pretended i didn't see him while he scream and shout. don't want to argue with him, i was running late for abchm test damn it.

felt really horrible. how long more can i stand this nonsense?

at least the later part of the day made up for that bad morning. the abchm test was managable. can do well for it. tried studying for mct but couldn't. i really don't know how to do a lot of questions for mct and i totally forgot about the practical test. damn shitty. think i'll flunk man.

after that, i went for my valentines date and guess who... definitely someone i love - my mum! valentine's day is a day for your loved ones, not just restricted to ur bf gf, husband wife. extend it out to ur friends and family too (especially when u're single and don't want to feel miserable.)

actually it wasn't intended to be a valentines date. it just so happened that she wanted to watch i not stupid too with ah yi (who's also my lover) and me on val day. so i just regard it as such. so we had our lunch, met up with ah yi, and caught the movie.

laughed like crazy in the beginning, cried like mad at the end. could heard ppl sniffing and blowing their nose. my mum and ah yi cried a bucket as usual. i cried too. lots of thoughts went through my mind as i watched. things not being appreciated by parents. how naggy parents can be. parents quarrel and children being caught in between. how chinese has become a insignificant subject to some? i think many can relate to it as though the movie is about them maybe just a bit exaggerated.

whoa... i salute jack neo and whoever came up with the script. it's a portal into the minds of children, their predicament. jack neo should make a series of video on how to praise/raise your kids, or delving into your children's mind, Slang along with ur kids. that would earn him the title of "Master of Parenting"

it's a must watch for all, parents especially.

2006-01-30T16:54:00.000+08:00

i'm sick of life! i'm sick of it! you shouted at me over a plate of rice in front of my relatives. whatever! let those idiots know that this family is fucked up. they ought to know. this family is broken.

how pleasant. shouting at each other in front of everybody on cny. you bring up the huge problems with every little thing i did wrong. blow up everything. what am i to you? your punching bag? i'm my friend's spare tyre and now i'm my father's punching bag. this is not the only time. many other times u screamed at me over nothing, almost wanting to hit me just because i forgot to iron ur uniform. where the fuck is my life coming to? fuck, i wish i was never born especially by you.

i should have thrown myself off the building long time ago so i don't have to withstand ur temper now. the only reason i'm alive today is because of mum, not anybody else. in fact, i hate my life. living is a torment. mum, can i just kill myself?

Happy Chinese New Year

2006-01-29T00:44:00.000+08:00

i'm not happy at all, not in the mood at all to celebrate. haven't bought new year clothes. i just can't be bothered anymore.

seeing those suckers again doesn't make me happy. those superficial grinning faces irk me to the core. i just feel like slapping them. don't want to stay at home and serve them drinks like i'm their maid. fuck them all.

not having ah ma around for chinese new year doesn't make me happy. i still weep when i think of her. haven't been to ah ma's house since the funeral. i wonder how i'll handle my emotions when i return. dua leng misses ah ma very much still.

sad chinese new year eve. i could only cry.

Happy New Day

2006-01-01T02:22:00.000+08:00

It's just a day different from yesterday, and people tell me happy new year. To me, it feel just like another new day. how about 'happy new day'? but there's nothing to be happy having to adapt to writing '06' for dates. so i wish everyone a "new day" for today and every other day.

eh... i don't think i need to wish everybody a new day because a new day always come, but not necessarily a happy one. ok so i wish all of u a "happy new day" for 365 days. ok.... now i know why people choose to say happy new year. u only need to say it once a year instead of 365 times a year. sorry i'm drinking again, forget it if you don't get it. happy new year.

i'm at home as usual, watching cable, instead of standing amidst the crowd in town counting down the second to 1/1/06, getting my ass groped each second. it feels like a new day, not a new year.

my brother came home one day, asking me, "hey, how's life?"

"do i look like i even have one?" i gave him my most sian look.

u guys want me to update my blog. the thing is i've got nothing to update. life has been as empty as a shell. had been stoning a lot at home . i can't even remember what i did for the term break.

so back to stoning. bye.

2005-12-12T00:31:00.000+08:00

She said that the house was very quiet after we moved out. I can picture it in my mind. Both of them, as usual, keeping to themselves. No more laughters from us, only silence from the grown-up. How bleak? How empty? They missed us? I think so.

Now i wish i could have gone back more often. I regret not doing so. It's no use doing that now. They're no longer around. If only I went back more often..... If only, then that'd be different.

Meat less

2005-12-09T20:13:00.000+08:00

Who says no meat no life? (Jem said that!) I've managed not to eat meat for 8 days except for scallop and I'm still alive! haha. That's really an achievement for a daily meat eater like me. Many of my friends asked me, "why all of a sudden stop eating meat?" haha.... actually i had tried to stop meating for a very long time. this is the time that i become successful in doing so.

i went to this Tampines volunteering fair today. I was surprised to find a Vegetarian Society booth there. The volunteer there asked me, "what prompt you to be a vegetarian?"

"i've a dog. I definitely wouldn't eat my dog, so why should i eat other animals?" This is what kept me going, my darling little brother actually enlightened me to the path of vegetarianism. haha.

I wonder how many ever watched videos of animals at the slaughter house. The conditions and treatment of the animals there are so horrible. It disgust me. I just wanna throw those slaughterman into the pig sty and dump it into boiling water.

Animals have to suffer and die just to feed us. Do they want to suffer or die? No, but they don't have a choice.

My friends posted questions to me. "You don't eat dog meat what? Why can't you eat chicken?"

My dog is an animal, so is chicken, cows, pigs. They have brains that think, hearts that feel, nerves that know pain. They're just like us, only not smart and powerful enough to get back at us. heehee. And most of all, we never want our species to be killed. Survival is every animals' instinct. and we're being cruel by eating them.

Imagine one day, a superior alien spec descends on earth and love eating human meat. They start a human meat farm factory where babies are snatched away from their mother and fed on growth hormones, crammed in cages with no privacy and space, men and women are forced to mate to produce more babies (sound sick i know), women are made baby machines and men are sent to the slaughter house where full grown humans are hung upside down still alive, dumped into boiling water to remove hair, throat slit and left to bleed, then the different human parts are packaged with label, Human guts, Human Limbs, Human Breast meat, Minced Human. Damn right, you can call this inhumane and detestable. This is exactly how meat that we enjoyed on our plate are obtained.

Another question asked, "Even if you stop eating meat, the rest are still eating them. So what difference does it make?"

Are you telling me to stop wasting my effort and just eat that damn meat? The difference I make is very little but that doesn't mean i should stop. Every little effort from many individuals would eventually adds up to a lot. If everybody thinks that their contribution means little and should stop trying, nothing can ever improve. Then, we can forget about flag day when thousands of dollar are raised cent by cent.

It seems impossible to get the whole world to stop eating meat. Even if it is, i doubt i'd live to see it. At least i have my conscience knowing i'm not indirectly involved in killing animals.

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated" - Gandhi

2005-12-06T03:47:00.000+08:00

tonight is another sleepless night. can someone knock me out just like how they do it in tv? if i sleep at 5am, i'd wake up late for alvin poh's lab later!!! then another warning letter and pep talk by him. i rather not sleep man. i think we're going to count those damn cells later. earlier today, i just spent an hour trying to locate my baby bacteria during mmic lab. my eyes are going cock from all the microscopy work. and argh, those bright lights are blinding me.

haiz... so many things to do now, comm ser, esprit decorp, oltc week 0. the term test timetable is already out! oh my oh my. everything comes so freaking fast. the fast system is really fast. we paid higher tuition fee for a shorter term, so not justifiable.

my caregroup were discussing about a steamboat session this sat with mr wong. *sob* he'll be leaving at the end of this semester. sad leh. he is the best care person ever. apel lessons with him are the most enjoyable ones. during lessons, we'd discuss, discussion leads to debate, debate leads to arguement, arguement leads to personal attacks. he truely bought us together. if not for him, i think AB23 would be segregated and probably don't ever meet.

we used to play pool together, captain's ball, and play mahjong during chalet. he wasn't like a teacher at all, he was a friend to us all. we bitch we laugh, we insult one another. lol.

when my grandma passed away just a week before exams, he sent me encouraging smses, praying for my family and i. he is so so sweet.

i wonder who's going to be our CP next. who else in this school can replace dear mr wong?

2005-12-03T22:05:00.000+08:00

Just now, my brother came to me and said, "eh your friend siobhan, she took part in the sea games leh." she was the singapore best girl in sailing byte. went oversea countless of times representing singapore. and now sea games, that was expected.

my brother added on, "if you've continued sailing, you may have represented singapore too eh." nah. i don't think i can compare myself to siobhan. she's too good. suddenly, i felt this sadness that gave me the urge to cry.

i told my brother, "well, they wanted me to quit."

"who?"

i pointed at my mum. "papa mummy lah."

they've never really supported me in sailing ever since i started. they forbid me to join in sec 1 and reluctantly relent under conditions. dangerous, they said. yah, i know they care about my safety, but how can they proclaim it to be dangerous when they don't know the sport. if accidents should happened, they just happen regardless of the kind of sports you play. some people can jog as usual, then collapse and die, or play rugby and suffer a heart attack.

give me a chance to try this out. everything has its risk. people can choke while eating, does this mean we're not to eat at all?

why is it that everything i do, they'd discourage me? i know they care, but i want to live the life i want.

i joined the byte training team and sailed almost everyday. i enjoyed myself but they urge me to quit, seeing that i was so busy. i used to come home tired but contented. however, the nagging and scoldings dampened my mood. i've never heard a word of comfort or encouragement when that was what i need to relieve my weariness. all i heard was the word, quit.

injuries i sustained from training. i kept mum about it. telling my parents about it will only give them the reason to make me quit.

once, the sail mast fell on my head. my teacher was afraid that i might suffer a concussion. she told me to inform my parents about it. obviously i didn't. after which, i had constant headaches which began to worry me. i told my team mates about it. my teacher in charge soon knew about it. she talked to me, wanted me to inform my parents. i didn't want her to do so but she insisted on personally speaking to my mum.

siobhan and aubrey was with me at that time. i broke down, siobhan hugged me and cried with me in the school hall. seeing her cry made me realised that someone really do care. it has been a long time since i cried with someone else. right now, i just keep everything to myself. i can't seem to find anyone who wants to listen to me anymore. it's always the same old problem that plagues me but does anyone want to listen to the same old stuff from me again? i bet they'll grow sick of it. many times, i think they don't want to listen anymore. they're turned off, seeming uninterested in a story that repeats itself.

when you are listening to someone else's problem, it's not some random story that you're hearing. don't just absorb it into your mind like some information to be stored but absorb it into your heart then u'll understand what that person is going through. listen and empathise. it's not fiction or a fanciful, melodramatic story, it's real and plaguing the person. this is the true solace one looks for. this is what siobhan did. she listened and cried with me.

after talking to the teacher, caroline accompanied me to see a doctor. we waited quite long but she stayed with me. she is one of the most thoughtful person i've ever know but few people sees that. thankfully, the doctor told me the headache was due to a viral infection and give me some medicine. i was alright, no concussion. phew.

it was such a great comfort to seek some solace in your team mates. everyone looked out for one another and offer encouragement. we shared laughter and this time, tears. oh boy, i miss the sailing team so much.

when i got home later, my mum scold me as usual. why never take care of myself? blah blah blah like i can predict when the mast is going to fall. i know she cares and worries. accidents just happened without a reason or fault on anyone else. it's not my fault for the mast falling.

as expected, she said, "you better quit sailing i tell you."

i retorted, " i know u're going to say that. that's why i didn't want to tell you about it!"

i eventually quitted my byte training and just resume with school training. i was going mad. it's difficult to go on like this. i guess i'm just weak.

haiz.... in everything i do sailing, education, they're sure to have daunting things to say. i long to hear a word of encouragement or support from them. i sometimes wondered, why are some of my friends' parents trying so hard to save up for their children's education whereas when i told my parents that i want to further my education, they just told me they don't have the money.

argh, why am i complaining? there're girls in india who gets disowned by their parents just because they're girls. i've parents who cares about me. i believe that makes me more fortunate than them.

what about people whom they can relate to? i guess they have one another. in the orphanage, they've the company of those who went through the same ordeal - being abandoned by their parents. who do i have? who can i relate to?

2005-11-26T17:17:00.000+08:00

had a sleepover at grace's house with marie, yan ni and joyce last night. did some catching up, played monopoly, drank wine, ate chips, watched movies.

i really missed the girls. previously, i didn't want to ask them out because i knew they were busy. now that a level is over, they have all the time they want. can't believe that grace called me up first. i was elated to see all of them.

yan ni and joyce are attached. haha. it's so weird to know that your friends are attached after not meeting them for a long time. the rest are still single. i thought grace should be attached! lol.

grace inquired why am i not attached? well... why should i be? then she asked further,"are you straight?" i just don't find myself fancying anybody. yeah, that's my answer.

talking about how each one of us had changed over the past one year, haha, marie, joyce and yan ni were still the same. grace became flabbier. i became so much fairer (yan ni was shocked when she saw me. i used to be the tannest girl in class and now she beats me.) and less fit. i seemed to have put on weight too. that's the result of not exercising. haiz. back in secondary school, i trained in sailing 5 times a week and worked out in gym twice weekly. and now, i joined tae kwon do and absent myself for training for 1 acad year. simply speaking, i don't exercise at all. i used to be part of the 50% of singaporeans who exercised, i just joined the other 50%.

i miss sailing. hmm.... i feel health gradually slipping away from me, leaving my soul trapped in a tired, sick body. haiz... this morning, i was defecating blood. nope not my menses. something is wrong with me. oh no.... or maybe, my shit was so hard and sharp that it scratch my ass.

this morning, yan ni and grace were chatting about some people from mjc. being the only poly student there, i felt a bit out of place. i know nuts about the people there. i was bored. somehow, there's nothing more in common to talk about. haiz.... does this happened when people split different ways?

they'll be going to university soon after getting their results. as for me, entering university is still a long way to go. the future seems bleak. either i work hard and long enough to study the course i'm interested in, or i ended up studying something i'm not interested in. or maybe i shouldn't pursue my studies at all. i'm clueless on what i'm supposed to do. living day by day till the day i've to make decisions. fuck adulthood. someone make me a child forever please.

2005-11-22T00:55:00.000+08:00

the first thing i said when i got home, "MUM, why didn't you called? don't you know i was worried about you? i was afraid something will happen to the plane, tsunami, hotel collapsing........ (the list goes on)"

her explanation was she didn't want to use her hp, didn't want to exhaust her battery!!! huh???

she bought home two bottles of vodka absolut citron and rasberri, no barcadi. hee hee, i forgive her this time round. i didn't expect DFS to sell them soo soo soo cheap. only $25.30 a bottle. too bad that one passport is only entitled to one bottle of hard liquor. if not, i would have asked her to buy more and stock them up.

my brother actually didn't realise i finished his vodka. haha. he is just as blur as my mum. i thought it was obvious to notice the missing bottles. he called me an alcoholic. i just need it to get me sleeping.

yesterday my father was lecturing me about the list of liquor i asked my mum to buy. he warned me not to drink too much, then offered me some whiskey. weird fella. he himself drinks a lot. practise what you preach lah.

on their flight to thailand, my mum and aunt somehow got transferred from economy class to business class. i asked her how come. she told me, "God bless." wah kao, they're so lucky. it was my aunt's first time on a plane and she got a chance to travel on a business class seat already. my mum was telling me how suah gu my auntie was. haha.

the air stewardess addressed them so politely, "Mdm Tan this, Mdm Tan that." shiok. 1st class treatment leh. they had salmon but both of them don't appreciate fish. i kao peh to my mum, eh, should have ta pao home for me..... what a waste!!!!

my cousin, my auntie's son, who works there, drove them around. they went to eat sharkfin, abalone blah blah and shopped like mad. the things there are very cheap. my mum bought home so many bags of clothes, most of them are for my cousins.

oh boy, i wanna go there actually but i've school!!! it is so difficult to arrange a trip when others are having their holidays while we have school and vice versa. haiz... i wonder when can i get on a plane the next time. i've travelled on the plane 4 times in my life. a trip to australia and back when i was 4, another to hong kong and back when i was 13. among my family members, i travel the least times by plane. even my younger sister travel more than i do. and she is leaving for thailand soon this holiday. that would make it 8 times for her. i'm jealous!!!

ok i better get myself sleeping now. first lesson for tmw is ah poh's haematology's lab, better not be late for it again.

2005-11-20T11:38:00.000+08:00

i miss my mum. she hasn't called. or maybe i wasn't at home last night. that's why. i'm getting paranoid. i wanna know how she's doing! i seem like a baby who needs her mummy so badly.

i went to my father stall yesterday again. i tasted his teriyaki chicken. It is nice. The thing is he doesn't cook all these stuff at home. i remember he cooked this really nice mushroom dish 12 years ago that made me developed mycophobia. haha. i puked like crazy. shortly after the incident, at my kindergarden, I had to do colouring on this rabbit standing next to a big mushroom. i like the cute rabbit but the mushroom spoilt the whole thing. i remember feeling terribly nausea and my classmate asking me if i'm ok. i can't remember how i managed to pull through colouring the damn mushroom.

my mum doesn't really support my father setting up a food stall. she's a simple lady who is contented with a simple job that earn her suffice money to support the family, and is also very thrifty. my father is the opposite. he always ask me to cut cost but spends a lot on computer gadgets. he's ambitious, want to start a food business and make it big.

hence, they were always at loggerhead. what to do? my father was really upset that she doesn't support him. on the surface, my mum seems to be totally against it. however, behind my father's back, she told me to go down and help out which i did. sometimes she asked me how was business over there. haiya... i can tell that she's actually concerned, but trying to be hard on the surface. kaoz...

i really wish she can just openly show her support to my father. i'm frustrated when both sides is trying to be hard on one another, and i'm caught in between. i'm always caught in between!!! Is this because i'm the middle-child? i give a damn about all these! why doesn't anybody else give a damn?

my brother always not at home, always out with his friends. he doesn't know much about the family affair until someone tells him. he went to the stall once.

my sister hates my father to the core. my father asked her to come to the stall, she couldn't be bothered to reply.

i know there were many unhappy times in the past. can't we just stop bearing grudges? I seem like the only one who actually care and bother to let go of the unhappy times. i choose to see this new food stall as a new beginning. my father has a job, he got his wish, he should be happy. Why can't everybody be happy for him? i feel sad for my dad that no one else bother about his new stall. in the morning, he leaves for work alone and comes back alone. no one else asked him how was business and stuff.

my mum is always telling me this and that. yeah, she confines in me and entrusted a lot of things to me. i'm sad that it has to come to this stage of an estranged relationship, when there is so much distrust between a couple and responsibilities is being pushed to the child. i hate to sign all the monetary documents! screw all these monetary shit!

2005-11-19T12:54:00.000+08:00

haven't been blogging for more than a week.

finally, my mum discovered my lip piercing on tuesday, after i changed it back to the stud. 8 days after piercing it. all the while i was wearing a ring, she didn't realised anything. so weird. thankfully, she didn't yanked it out or scold me. all she said was, " you're really boliao. haiz...." she was tired of scolding me. i bet she couldn't be bothered with my doings anymore. i felt so liberated, no longer have to be discreet about it anymore. yay!! there is nothing more to hide except my tongue piercing.

i was freaking tired. had a few sleepless nights after sunday. was late for lab and tut. got my first warning letter from dear mr alvin poh. haha. finally, i got to sleep properly on thursday.

on wednesday morning, i was more than 15 min late for poh's haematology lab. so kenna warning letter lor. we had to draw blood from one another. i got my finger pricked 3 times due to unsuccessful pricking attempts. haha. it doesn't matter to me. my classmates can drain me dry for all i care.

after that, i told si yuen about drawing blood during lab. she told me, "very easy to draw what. just draw the biconcave shape right?"

i was speechless for a while, staring at her with this quizzical look. then i burst out laughing. she was damn cute.

on friday morning, my mum and aunt left for thailand. i feel really uneasy about my family members going overseas when i'm here in singapore. 3 years ago, my parents and sister went to bangkok. i was pretty paranoid that something will happened to them. on the contrary, something happened at home, my grandma fell down and broke her hips in the middle of the night. there was only my brother and i at home.

i know i'm worrying over nothing but i can't help it. will something happened to the plane? will they get robbed? will they meet with an accident? Or tsunami? all these paranoid thoughts are racing through my head. i have no idea how they're doing there. i hope they'll call tonight.

and this morning, my brother was asking me where's mummy. wtf??!! he didn't know mummy went to thailand. i was shocked at his oblivion. all he asked was whether i asked her to buy anything. yeah, absolut and barcadi. then he complained why never ask her to buy baileys. oh shut up bitch!

this week, i read Tuesdays with Morrie. It's about a dying man's perception, his life lessons to be imparted to the rest of the world. It is insightful, touching and thought-provoking, got me questioning all the things i'm doing right now. My favourite quote in this book is "Death ends a life, but not a relationship." I cried while reading this. It reminded me of my grandma. Her departure is a fact, Her being my ah ma will always remain a fact. However, I choose to remember how she lived, and not how she left. It's really nostalgic to think about the way she lived.

I recommend this book to every one whether you like reading or not. It's easy to read and enlightening.

2005-11-10T01:21:00.000+08:00

my brother is a bitch!!! gets on my bloody nerves. he hopes so much that mother will discover my lip piercing which i intend to hide it from her for as long as i can. he choose not to tell my mother directly but dropped hints for my mother. argh!!!! it's so vexing. this sux. i was half asleep on the mattress just now, my brother came into the room and talked to my mum. "Eh mummy, u didn't see juvena arh?", he asked her in hokkien. i kicked his leg and called him a bitch.

Kor, if you happened to be reading this, read on.

that was the case for my tongue piercing. i managed to hide it from everybody in my family for a few days until my brother found out. he also tried dropping hints. haiz... he has a mouth worse than a bitch.

he told me he wanted to get one last time. now, i doubt he can because he is working now. he said he think it was cool last time, but now he thinks about his future. oh he's a grown up already lah. somehow doing all these shit shows me how childish he actually is. i think he's jealous because he never got the chance to do it. so he spite me regarding my piercing, call it silver mole and stuff, attempt to let my mum discover it somehow.

why do i have such an idiotic brother?

he treats me to movies many time. i'm grateful for that. that doesn't give him the reason to bully me lor. who is he to talk to me about being a grown up? i hate to clean up after his shit too.

hear me kor... you are the bitchest of all faggots. no wonder they're attracted to you. FAG MAG (Faggot Magnet)

2005-11-09T00:10:00.000+08:00

haiz.... i went to my dad's stall. definitely he had seen my lip piercing. he want it removed. :(

went back home with him, my mum was already at home. with the living room completely lit, i talked to my mum, gave her some money. she hasn't noticed anything.

i don't know if she super super blur or i'm very good at hiding my piercing. haiz.... mummy arh. i think she is really blur. my brother told her when he first pierced his nose. and she only noticed it one month later.

2005-11-07T21:23:00.000+08:00

3 hours have past. i had been pretending to be busy at the comp. actually i am. my sister is back, she didn't see it too. my mum hasn't noticed anything. thanks to my superhuman speed.

2005-11-07T19:40:00.000+08:00

i attended school for barely less than half an hour and had a 7 hour break after which. my friends came to my house to play with jeff. he was so hyperactive. then, we had katong laksa. xiao yu pierced her ears and i pierced my lip. after piercing, i was fretting over how i'm going to face my parents. after which we went to pei ci's grandma's house to play with her 3 dogs. they're so obedient as compared to jeff who is so mischievious and horny.

went back to school again, and this time with a lip piercing. lol. denise said, "eh, i didn't see that this morning."

now i'm home. it has been more than an hour since my mum got home. haha. i did talk to her and stuff. she hasn't realised my new piercing. that's because i didn't switch on the light in the living room and also I moved too fast for her to see. (yeah, i possess superhuman speed.) haha. maybe later.... she is going to scream at me, pinch and hit me on the arm. that's what she did when she discovered my nose piercing. this time it's the lips. i expect her to react more drastically. maybe she'll yank it out, and leave me with a bleeding lip. i'm prepared for that. don't be surprised to see me with stitches on my lip tmw.

i expect her to find it unappealing. she is afraid of me getting infection. then, shall i show her my well hidden tongue piercing, ensuring her that i can look after my piercing well just as i did for my tongue??? she may not able to take the double blow and yank my tongue stud out too, leaving me with a split tongue!!! i'm so scared. to me, the pain of piercing is nothing more than an ant bite. i'm more afraid of my parents' reactions. boo hoo hoo.... help me!!!

2005-11-05T14:30:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i think my company is fucked up shit. To cut cost, they refused to give double pay for working on public holidays and choose to give replacement off instead. with the limited staff there, they're not going to finish covering the off days we are suppose to have. all my colleagues working at the counter are all fucking pissed now. diane was complaining to me just now. i feel frustrated too.

i was suppose to stop working on the 31st oct, yet i'm still working part time. why? they haven't not found a replacement. right now, i'm working not for the money, but to help them out. never mind about the double pay for working on PH, i just don't want diane or evelyn to work full day. i'm helping out only until this week and that's that. actually i don't feel like working today, but if i don't go, evelyn will have to work the whole day.

diane's cousin is willing to help out temporarily while they find a replacement. my boss rejected this kind offer. bloody stubborn. i think he doesn't want to pay for another extra worker. stingy lah. then they expect diane and evelyn to overwork. we stand there for whole 8 hours till we cannot feel our feet. uncompassionate boss!!!

2005-11-03T14:32:00.000+08:00

You need to be at least 20 to enter Double O. I waited for one and half hour to find out this. Motherfucking shit.

Happy Halloween

2005-10-31T21:15:00.000+08:00

Boo!!! It is Halloween but i'm not going anywhere.

i actually borrowed books from the library on making clothes, intending to make a costume. didn't put my plans into action due to work. haiz... nvm, i'll wait for the next cosplay event. haha. that's a time i can play dressing up. even if i manage to make my costume by halloween, where can i wear it to? treat or trick? imagine an 18 year old going from houses to houses asking for sweets. lol. i'd most probably get doors slamming into my face.

here are some ideas i have in mind.

Wednesday Addams
Lottie... the Living Dead Doll with an umbrella. she's so cute.
Carrie... soaked in blood
Siamese Twins, One's Alive, the other is born dead. heehee. who wanna my dead twin sister??
A ghost from the gallow, hangwoman
Jason Junior, I'm not tall and bloated enough to be Jason. poor Jason, must have drowned too long.
Grim Reaper
A Blue Alien, something like smurf but not that. i'll never live in a mushroom.
Being Myself

i guess i'm being myself now, blogging away on halloween night.

Irritating Amusement

2005-10-26T03:13:00.000+08:00

I'm sure that some of you had actually seen those belt vibrators the Osim promoters wear at the entrance of the shop. It's amusing to see them quaking away especially when he or she has a good amount of adipose tissue. Seems like a good massage to enhance blood circulation. Imagine if they wear the belt below the waist, it may enhance something else. :X It looks amusing. Do you know that this tool can be a bloody nuisance - a sleep irritant???!!!

one day, i was having my diurnal sleep. Gradually i was awaken by a continuous tremble on the bed. i saw my mum on the bed too. so tired, i couldn't make sense of my mum on the bed and muffled buzzing sound on the mattress. Bloody annoying, I wanted to get out of the bed but was too tired. Until the buzzing was getting on my sleepy nerve, i hastily laid the mattress on the floor to resume my sleep.

I later woke up to find out about the new Osim vibrating belt my mum bought. She was using it while i was sleeping on the bed. can't believe that she bought this thing that amused me all the while, and now irritates me. Totally loathe it for disturbing my sleep!!!!

2005-10-26T02:08:00.000+08:00

i've never met anyone whose attitude stinks worse than my colleague. She doesn't like it when people tell her off. She gets pissed off and start slamming things. Who she think she is? and wahh... we'd be scared of her arh. This girl simply doesn't know how to suck it up. (quoted from David)

I went for my 1 hr break at 5pm, ask her to jagar the counters. She left for hers at 5.30pm, before i came back. For half an hour, there was nobody at the counter. When i came back at 6pm, the cashier questioned me about the absence of promoters at the counter. There was a customer who came just now. Thankfully the cashier's one of the few nice ladies there, and didn't fuck me inside out. It wasn't my fault anyway.

When my colleague came back, i asked her why she left before i came back and told her we shouldn't left the counters unattended, it wouldn't be nice to let the management see that the counters are empty for half an hour. She went on ranting about the management being too naggy and we have our different break time. For once, i agree with the management that the counters shouldn't be left unattended, this woman simply refuse to cooperate and comply with this. Unreasonable i'd say. i've already known one who is disruptively unreasonable and irks me to the core and insanity. Now, not another one.

With another colleague of mine, we always help one another to jagar when one of us is not around. I wonder what's so difficult to go for break half an hour later.

I argued with her and she can't seem to understand. DUMB!!! She complained that the management is terrible. Terrible terrible, is that the only thing you can say. The one who is terrible here is her, i told her, she just can't take orders. There was a lot more that i wanted to say, about her stinky attitude and her eating snake. She knows no shame about troubling people. I don't care if both of us get into trouble with the management. I'm not working here for long anyway, it's just another 6 more day and i'd be out of this damned place. i don't exactly need this job. I'm sure she needs it. Going to get engaged soon and still not taking her work seriously. Come on. Don't take it for granted that i always guard for her while she goes on her shopping spree. She always said she hope to hit the target and earn more commission and bonus. It is achievable if she stop absenting herself from the counter and smile more. Not wanting the arguement to turn ugly, i controlled myself from blurting out everything!!!! Argh...

I'm pissed!!!!! Damn pissed with an uncooperative colleague!!!! We didn't talk to one another for the next few hours. So there she was, talking on the phone, most probably about me telling her off. I kept hearing "orang orang orang", should be mentioning about nobody at the counters. not happy with me, complain to your friends for what, let me know lah! sucker!!!

I was off today. words shall fly while i was away. i wager she'd complained about me to the rest of my colleagues, like who am i to tell her off and stuff. haha. go ahead lah. the thing is they don't like you too.

I'll be back to work today. we shall see what happen, sucker.

Ah Choo....

2005-10-21T23:47:00.000+08:00

My classmate, R was sharing this with me.

After one of the exam papers, F and R were talking about the paper. F was complaining how difficult the paper was and he didn't study some parts. The most absurd thing he said was, he might fail. Oh come on, we knew him. This fellow always do well for his papers. There is an almost 0% occurance that he might fail this paper. You know, there're this group of people who say "I will fail" as if like saying "I love you." Say it but don't exactly mean it. As you can see, F was complaining rubbish.

all the while that they were chatting, R was sneezing uncontrollably.

F asked, "eh, you ok or not? got cold is it?"

R replied, "No lah. i'm just allergic to bullshit."

haha...

Challenge Failed

2005-10-15T00:21:00.000+08:00

First day of the challenge. Diane and i went to long john, i told her i wanted to get something vegetarian. but we still went there. i don't intend to get food from there.

by the way, for your info. the cashiers working at orchard cineleisure's long john silver seem to PMS 24/7. on the many occasions diane 's been there, nvr did she see them smile. the same for me. their faces were so black that it scares children.

on one occasion, the cashier dropped the change on my food. luckily, she apologised. if not, i throw the food onto her sullen face. no lah, i'm not that mean. maybe i'd just tell her off.

oh yeah. enough of the cashiers. back to the story. got there, the cashiers' faces still damn fucking black. diane ordered her food. oooo...... i can't find anything vegetarian there. temptations..... the tantalising crispy chicken, shrimps, fish, blah blah on the menu are enough to make me swoon. As i stood there staring at the menu for a very long time, an internal struggle was going on in me. the chicken beckoning......to yield or not to yield? An aura of impatience from the cashier caught me. i better order something quick! "Grilled Chicken Wrap Meal and Clam Chowder", i snapped. since i had ordered them, i had to eat them. challenge failed.

meat.... i realised i can't live without it. it's a necessity!!! poor animals.

2005-10-13T01:53:00.000+08:00

it was the 49th day of my grandma's death, went to the temple. the monk performed the rituals. it is supposed that by now she should know that she died, and either she enters the cycle of reincarnation or obtain buddhahood. that's what buddhist believe.

last week, i dreamt that my auntie died. i don't know how. her body was covered with mud. cried like crazy in the dream. it was so scary, ah ma died, then my auntie died. everybody around me seems to be dying. thankfully, it was just a dream. how i wish ah ma's passing was a dream too. told my mum as soon as i could. she assured me that my auntie, her sister, was fine, she just seen her in church.

met my auntie at the temple. she knew about my dream. we were talking about it. then my uncle shared one of his. 2 of his deceased relative came knocking at his door, asking him to join them at the other side because a lot of relatives are there. spooky.

we went to this vegetarian restaurant to eat afterwards. the food was good but i had a hard time picking out mushrooms. i can consider turning vegetarian. i've decided to go on a vegetarian diet for a week starting from today as a personal challenge. ok. no meat

2005-10-12T19:49:00.000+08:00

Robinson is well known for their excellent service. Customers oriented, friendly approachable staff. but how many knows what's behind the stage?

wah... i tell you, some of the robinson staff there are so damn superficial. if you think that include me because i work in robinson, well no. i don't work for robinson, i work for my own boss who deals with what i sell. so i'm talking about the cashiers and sales associate.

during meeting, the sales manager read out customers' feedback on our excellent service. the cashiers greet customers so politely, seem so friendly on the surface. as a customer, you can been so impressed. that's all a facade. when the customers turn their backs, these cashiers can talk to us, promoters, as if we are nuisances. scold us for not doing stuff which was suppose to be their job.

just last week, i wanted to reach the operator which i had nvr done before. so i approached this cashier. (she was the one who scolded my colleague for not doing something.) i asked her for help. she seemed buay song. then customer approach the counter. there's a 180 degrees change in her expression. she greeted the customer, smiling like it was the happiest thing to serve customers. if they can treat the customers so well, why not us? i'm not asking for such treatment. if only they can talk to us with more respect like we're colleagues on the same level, i'd not mind helping them do that little thing which was their job.

we have dignity too, don't treat us like that.

i'm so tempted to create some mischief on my last day of work, to get back at those toady cashiers.

The Old Man on the Train

2005-10-06T23:30:00.000+08:00

I saw this old man on the train.
His head was down, I couldn't see his face.
Deep in thought, looking crestfallen,
My eyes were locked on his stricken expression.

Heartaching yet intriguing,
I wondered what this man's thinking.
It could be his children or his wife,
Or events that happened in his long life.

Musing for many minutes or so,
I didn't even see him move his toes.
Suddenly, his dull eyes wandered around,
Then, again, to the cold hard ground.

Hoping he had looked at me,
I wanted to give him my warmest smile.
A smile that will soothe his sorrow,
And brighten those eyes that were hollow.

"was on the train to work. observed this old man who looked so sad. i looked at him for a very long time, doubt he noticed me looking at him. he seemed too depressed to notice anything else. then at kallang, i saw another old man lying on the ground at the platform. my goodness. i'm not sure if he's dead or not. i was on the moving train then.

haven't had sale for 5 consecutive days already. the whole departmental store was as dead as the cemetary. there was absolutely nothing to do. so i wrote the poem. how i wish i can bring my book there to read, or my comp, or the guitar. haiz... it was so damn sian."

2005-10-06T11:41:00.000+08:00

had this briefing by this woman before the store opened yesterday. she was briefing us about the 'in' colours for this season, and what's in fashion and blah blah blah. purple and teal are the 'in' colour now. so she was teaching the sales assistants on how to advise customers on what to buy.

ok so let's say, customers yield to their advice and buy the most fashionable clothes to keep up with the trend. as a result, almost everybody on the street decks out in purple and teal. am i right to say that the most fashionable people are people who are hardly outstanding? just because whatever's in fashion they wear whatever and ended up looking like the rest.

The torn pants fetish was popular during the early 90's. i recalled my cousin back then asking my aunt to help him tear his pants. now, in 2005, i still wear my torn jeans out and to school. people tell me it's out of fashion. so? does that mean i shouldn't wear them? that i should wear low cut hipster and show my butt crack. i rather moon than wear hipster. why keep people in suspense with the butt crack, show the whole thing lah!

i like torn pants. it's airy, i think it's cool though i wear it in a different era. i like to tear things up. i've a fetish for torn pants is not because of fashion. I don't go liking things because everyone else is liking them or wearing things because everybody is wearing them. i like being myself which can mean being different from others. people can laugh at me for being different, i laugh at them for being all the same.

Unusual Deaths

2005-09-29T00:19:00.000+08:00

456 BC: Aeschylus, Greek dramatist, according to tradition, died when a vulture, mistaking his bald head for a stone, dropped a tortoise on it.
453: Attila the Hun, suffered a severe nosebleed and choked to death on his wedding night.
1063: Eight Deer Jaguar Claw, Mixtec ruler, had himself sacrificed.
1277: Pope John XXI was killed in the collapse of his scientific laboratory.
1601: Tycho Brahe, Danish astronomer, died of a bladder infection after refusing to leave for the bathroom during a banquet for the sake of good manners.
1626: Francis Bacon, English philosopher, statesman, and essayist, died because he purchased a chicken to see if snow can preserve meat, but, during the endeavour of stuffing it with snow, contracted a fatal case of pneumonia.
1671: François Vatel, chef to Louis XIV committed suicide because his seafood order was late, and he couldn't stand the shame of a postponed meal. His body was soon discovered by an aide, sent to tell him of the arrival of the fish.
1687: Jean-Baptiste Lully, composer, died of a gangrenous abscess after piercing his foot with a staff while he was vigorously conducting a Te Deum.
1841: William Henry Harrison, ninth President of the United States, gave the longest inaugural address in the history of the United States in heavy snow and caught a cold. It developed into pneumonia and killed him in a month.
1884: Allan Pinkerton, detective, died of gangrene resulting from having bitten his tongue after stumbling on the sidewalk.
1888: Charles-Valentin Alkan, composer and pianist, died when a bookcase collapsed on him when he was reaching for a copy of the Talmud from the top shelf.
1911: Jack Daniel, founder of the famous Tennessee whiskey distillery, died of blood poisoning due to a toe injury he received after kicking his safe in anger when he could not remember its combination code.
1915: François Faber, Luxembourgean Tour de France winner, died in a trench on the western front of World War I. He received a telegram saying his wife had given birth to a daughter. He cheered, giving away his position, and was shot by a German sniper.
1916: Grigori Rasputin, Russian mystic, died of hypothermia while swimming to shore after having been poisoned, shot multiple times in the head and torso, bludgeoned, mutilated (severed penis), wrapped in a sheet and dropped into the river Neva through a hole in the winter ice.
1923: Frank Hayes, jockey, suffered a heart attack during a horse race. The horse, Sweet Kiss, went on to finish first, making Hayes the only deceased jockey to win a race.
1927: Isadora Duncan, dancer, died of accidental strangulation and broken neck when her scarf caught on the wheel of a car in which she was a passenger.
1933: Michael Malloy, a homeless man, was murdered by gassing after surviving multiple poisonings, intentional exposure, and being struck by a car. Malloy was murdered by five men in a plot to collect on life insurance policies they'd purchased.
1941: Sherwood Anderson, writer, swallowed a toothpick at a party and then died of peritonitis.
1971: Jerome Irving Rodale, an American pioneer of organic farming, died of a heart attack while being interviewed on the Dick Cavett Show. When he appeared to fall asleep, Cavett quipped "Are we boring you, Mr. Rodale?".[1] (http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/onstage.htm) The show was never broadcast.
1974: Christine Chubbuck, an American television news reporter committed suicide during a live broadcast on July 15th. At 9:38 AM, 8 minutes into her talk show, on WXLT-TV in Sarasota, Florida, she drew out a revolver and shot herself in the head.
1977: Tom Pryce, a Formula One driver, and a 19-year-old track marshal both died at the 1977 South African Grand Prix after the marshal ran across the track beyond a blind brow to attend to another car and was struck by Pryce's car. Pryce was hit in the face by the marshal's fire extinguisher and killed instantly.
1978: Georgi Markov, a Bulgarian dissident, was assassinated by poisoning in London by an unknown assailant who jabbed him in the leg with a specially designed umbrella that injected a pellet of ricin into the victim.
1982: Vic Morrow, actor, was decapitated by helicopter blade during filming of Twilight Zone: The Movie and was killed instantly, along with two child actors.
1982: Vladimir Smirnov, an Olympic champion fencer, died of brain damage nine days after his opponent's foil snapped during a match, pierced his eyeball and entered his brain.
1983: Sergei Chalibashvili, a professional diver, died after a diving accident during World University Games. When he attempted a three-and-a-half reverse somersault in the tuck position, he smashed his head on the board and was knocked unconscious. He died after being in a coma for a week.
1984: Jon-Erik Hexum, an American television actor, died after he shot himself in the head with a prop gun during a break in filming. Whether he deliberately committed suicide or was simply unaware of the potentially deadly effects of the blank round was not determined.
1986: Jane Dornacker, a musician, actress and comedienne turned radio station traffic reporter, died after a helicopter owned by New York's WNBC 660AM in which she was a passenger crashed into the Hudson River. The fatal crash occurred as Dornacker was delivering a traffic report, and was broadcast live on air.
1987: R. Budd Dwyer, a Republican politician, committed suicide during a televised press conference. Facing a potential 55-year jail sentence for alleged involvement in a conspiracy, Dwyer shot himself in the head with a revolver.
1993: Brandon Lee, the son of Bruce Lee, was shot and killed by a prop 44 Magnum while filming the movie The Crow. Unknown to the film crew, the tip of a dummy round broke off in the chamber of the weapon during practice. When a blank round was later fired from the same inadvertantly loaded gun it fatally wounded Lee.
1999: Owen Hart, WWF wrestler, died when he fell 78 feet while being lowered into the ring by a cable from the stadium rafters before an upcoming match, snapping his neck.
2003: Brian Wells, pizza deliveryman, was killed by a time bomb fastened to his neck after he was apprehended by the police for robbing a bank - purportedly under duress from the maker of the bomb.

some are morbidly amusing. ok i'm sick in the mind.

Scold me... pls

2005-09-27T00:54:00.000+08:00

this relative whom we don't like came to visit that old hag. we never like them, even my dog. it's amazing u know. dogs can judge people. as usual, my dog was inside the cage and barking non stop at that relative. it's irritating. my mum came home from work, went into the kitchen and carried my dog. he stopped barking immediately.

that relative said sarcastically, "wah, le eh gau jin guai hor, kuan tio le jio bo hao liao." (wah, your dog so obedient, see you quiet already.)

my mum replied, "dia tio eh mah, wah si gau bu." (of course, i'm the mother dog.)

when mummy told me that, i laughed. the way she said it was damn funny, with the buay song attitude.

"wah mummy, u're telling them u're a bitch right?" she just chuckled.

yah lah, true, i just love her being bitchy towards those bastards. i love the way she play with those words to spite ppl. she can make a poetry of spiteful remarks in hokkien man. once she told this gossipy person off:

le jiat juae juae
kun juae juae
ka si wei
mai kong an ni juae

it means

you eat lots
sleep lots
but for words,
don't speak lots.

it's something like, go ahead to eat and sleep all you want, whatever that is i don't care, just shut the fuck up. being her daughter, i do get a little pinch in my heart when she scold me but i just love it. mummy, i love you when u scold me.

2005-09-26T00:46:00.000+08:00

i thought work starts at 10.30am for the morning shift. fuck. actually starts at 10. got some stupid meeting before the store opens. kenna scolding by the supervisor. kan ni na. there is crowd on sunday but buyers are few. as usual, didn't sell anything. bored like fuck. as there was nothing to do, time crawls its way to 6pm. initially thought we'd be jamming, that's why i change to morning shift. but fad book in before i knock off lah. jim seng ah!!! jim seng ah!!!

went to check out lip piercing price at heeren before going to my mum's office. $65. eh, i want it both side. so that's gonna be $130. see first lah.

put my stuff at mum's office. rest for a well. i went window shopping alone at far east. and what a coincidence, i met barathi. i walked past her but she didn't see me. lol. called her. she was with this gay friend. he was so damn funny. we were at 77th street, looking at tongue stud. he was blatantly flirtly with that guy at the counter. and managed to get his number too. then another of barathi's friend joint us. he's normal. then the gay guy was holding his hands. lol. that behaviour received some scowl from this caucasian. haha. the normal guy saw that caucasian scowling, he didn't let go, he grab the gay guy's hand tighter. so even things out, barathi and i were holding hands.

went back to the office, my mum's colleague was telling me some ridiculous calls they received. there're people not from the hotel calling hyatt about the traffic at orchard or the weather there. the thing is, the operator's office is in the basement. wah, what are those people thinking? hyatt hotel is not some kind of info centre k.

once there was this guest who called and requested for 'cab'. so one operater said, "which cab would u like sir? we have maxi cab, london cab, city cab, comfort cab..... (all the cab)".

the guest replied, "no no, i don't want a cab, I want a cap, u know, french cap??"

"sorry sir, we don't have those.....", operator said. lol, if i even receive this call and replied that way, i'm going loose my composure and chuckled non stop.

Results....

2005-09-24T00:23:00.000+08:00

my prediction were pretty accurate. 90% accurate. gpa dropped by 0.11. i kinda expect the Cs, so i'm not too upset. there is one surprise though, i got an A for freehand. yeppy. thankew mr teo, you're so damn nice, the best lecturer ever. i asked you to give more marks for us behaving well. you kept ur words. LOL.

cleared my CDS, i'll miss CDS. i don't know why so many people dread it. frankly speaking, i enjoyed them.

haha.... fadhli, welcome back!!!!

Result out this sat....

2005-09-23T01:11:00.000+08:00

wah... i just realised we're going to get our results back this sat. seems like pretty fast. didn't sign up for the sms shit. don't wanna get the results while i'm working. ok. here's a prediction for my results. i'm never optimistic nor pessimistic, i'm realistic. fpath - C or B, hope its a B. Htech - C or B, same preferably a B. biochem - C, B i really dunno, depends on how lenient dr lim is. i'm hoping for a moderation. aimm - b+ or a, mgen - b+ or a. csas - better be an A, do like crazy. freehand drawing - b or b+, also do like crazy but don't expect an A. i'm 100% that my GPA will drop by 0.1 to 0.2. let's see how accurate it is.

i feel like not checking the results at all, hate the feeling of disappointment. do you sometimes feel that way? i remembered in sec sch, we got back our exam scripts. some of us refused to look at the paper. we'd asked the person in front of us to slowly reveal it for us. "good? bad? above 60 marks? above 65.....?" haha. if we really did badly, at least the blow wouldn't be that sudden and intense.

i remember that guy who came out of the tutorial room after fpath paper and said to his friends real loud and proud, "i'll surely fail one lah." i said loudly to glenda, so that he can hear, "say fail fail fail, think so easy to fail arh." if this guy is really going to fail, bet he won't be saying this loud and proud. who know what he was thinking in his mind. maybe it is "kan, cannot get Z, maybe just an A." skali when the result's out, straight As. this kind of guy deserved to be fucked by a dog.

if i know the guy, i would ask him for his results. if really fail, sorry to hear that. i'd advise him to slap his damn mouth for cursing himself. if he does well, i'd ask sarcastically, "u sounded confident when you said u'll fail for sure, what did u offer the lecturer to mark you A? your flat ass for an A grade?"

Finally, I got to do something

2005-09-21T23:25:00.000+08:00

i was late for work. pai seh, the agency called me, they thought i don't wanna work anymore. lol. nah, i wanna work though i dread having nothing to do. got there, i was practising ribbon tying with diane. so when i had nothing to do, tie ribbon on the gift box. Wahaha, sold my first jewellery today. celesta pendant, $244. woo hoo. wrote memo, was panicking becoz i couldn't find the price tag for it. lol. thankfully stella helped me. hee hee. finally....

My first day at Robinson

2005-09-20T01:10:00.000+08:00

my mum asked, "how's ur work today?" "stupid shit, fucking sian" Made friends there. Thankfully, there are other counters ard mine and there're ppl to talk to. other than that, this job is fucking boring. ghosts shop at centrepoint robinson sia. there're only 6 people who actually stopped and looked at the jewelleries. none bought. not like it's cheap. through the 7 hours, no sales. i browse through the sales record, there were times when there wasn't a single item sold for a 5 consecutive days. does that mean i have to wait for an average 20 hours or so to sell something? there wasn't any place for us to sit there. had to stand there for 7 hours. the du lan supervisor doesn't allow us to walk from counter to counter gather and chit chat, or lean against the counter. i'm going to suffer pulmonary embolism from prolonged immobilization if i do my supervisor's bidding. thankfully she doesn't supervising us 24/7.

i get a job becoz i wanna be occupied with something to do. there's nothing i can do much there when there're so few people patronising. i still like my first job, busy with things to do and get to chat with my shi fu too. throughout the 38 days, i only took 1.5 day off. i actually looked forward to work and even worked on chinese new year. haha. i was such a workaholic.

so far i have been doing promoting and sales work, wanna try my hands at other stuff next semester, like waitressing or admin or other service. got lobang, must jio me!

Bara & Juve

2005-09-20T00:57:00.000+08:00

The Corpse Bride

2005-09-18T03:24:00.000+08:00

that's an upcoming movie by tim burton. i once came upon the original jewish folklore, read it and found it a really sweet story. when i learnt that tim burton was going to make a movie based on that story, i was so excited. i love most of his movies, the classic ones like edward scissorhands. ok here's the story:

The Corpse Bride

Once upon a time there was a young man who lived in a village in Russia. He was to be married and he and his friend prepared to go to the village where his bride-to-be lived, two days walk from his own village.

The first night the two friends decided to set up camp by a river. The young man who was going to be married spotted an unusual looking stick in the ground that looked like a bony finger. He and his friend started joking about this bony finger sticking out of the ground and the young man who was going to be married took the golden wedding ring from his pocket and put it on the strange-looking stick. And then he started to do the wedding dance around the stick; he danced around the stick with the golden wedding ring three times and he sang the Jewish wedding song, and recited the entire marriage sacrament as he danced around the stick, he and his friend laughing the whole time.

Their fun stopped suddenly when the earth started rumbling and shaking beneath their feet. The place where the stick had been opened up and a very bedraggled looking corpse emerged, a living corpse, she had been a bride, but now was barely more than a skeleton held together by shreds of skin, still wearing an old torn white silk wedding dress. Worms and spider webs hung on the once-beaded bodice and tattered veil.

The two young men were aghast.

"Ah," she said, "you have done the wedding dance and pronounced the marriage vows and you have put a ring on my finger. Now we are man and wife. I demand my rights as your bride."

Shuddering with terror at the corpse bride's words, the two young men fled to the village where the young bride was waiting to be married. They went straight to the rabbi.

"Rabbi," asked the young man breathlessly, "I have a very important question to ask you. If by some chance you're walking in the woods and you happen to see a stick that looks like a long bony finger coming out of the ground and you happen to put a golden wedding ring on the finger and do the wedding dance and pronounce the wedding vows, is this indeed a real marriage?"

Looking very puzzled, the rabbi asked, "Do you know of such a situation?"

"Oh no, no, of course not, it's just a hypothetical question.

"Stroking his long beard thoughfully, the rabbi said, "let me think about it."

And just then, a big gust of wind blew the door open, and in walked the corpsebride. "I lay claim to this man as my husband, for he has placed this wedding ring on my finger and pronounced the solemn marriage vows," she demanded, her bony finger rattling as she shook it at her intended brigegroom."

This is indeed a very serious matter. I'll have to consult with the other rabbis,"said the rabbi.

Soon all the rabbis from the surrounding villages were gathered together. They went into conference, while the two young men anxiously awaited their decision.

The corpse bride waited on the porch tapping her foot, declaring, "I want tocelebrate my wedding night with my husband.

"These chilling words made every hair on the young man's body stand on end, though it was a warm summer day.

While the rabbis were conferring, the real human bride arrived and wanted to know what all the fuss was about. When her fiancee explained just what had happened, she started weeping, "Oh, my life is ruined, all my hopes and dreams are shattered; I'll never be married, never have a family."

Just then the rabbis came out and asked: "Did you indeed put a gold ring on thefinger, and did you dance around it three times and did you indeed pronounce the wedding vows in their entirety?"

The two young men who by this time were cowering in a far corner nodded their heads.

Looking very serious the rabbis went back to confer again.

And the young bride wept bitter tears, while the corpse bride was by now gloating at the prospect of her long awaited wedding night.

After a short while the rabbis solemnly marched out, took their seats, and announced, "Since you put the wedding ring on the finger of the corpse bride and you danced around it three times reciting the wedding vows, we have determined that this constitutes a proper wedding ceremony. Even so, we have decided that the dead have no claim upon the living.

"Sighing and murmuring could be heard from all corners, the young bride wasespecially relieved.

The corpse bride, however, howled, "Oh, there goes my last chance for a life; I'llnever have my dreams fulfilled now, it's forever lost," and she collapsed on the floor. It was a pathetic sight, a heap of bones in a tattered wedding gown, lyingthere, lifeless.

Overcome with compassion for the corpse bride, the young bride knelt down and gathered up that old heap of bones, carefully arranging the shredded silk finery and holding her close, half sang, half murmured, as if cradling a crying infant, "dont worry I'll live your dreams for you, I'll live your hopes for you, I'll have your children for you, I'll have enough children for the two of us and you can rest in peace knowing that our children and our children's children will be well cared for and will not forget us."

Tenderly she closed the eyes of the corpse bride, tenderly she held her in her arms and slowly and with measured steps she marched down to the river with her fragile charge, took her down by the river where she dug a shallow grave for her and laid her in it and crossed the bony arms over the bony chest, the one hand clasping the one with the ring on it, and folded the wedding gown around her.

Then she whispered, "May you rest in peace, I will live your dreams for you, don't worry, we will not forget you."

The corpse bride looked happy and at peace in her new grave, as if she somehow knew that she would be fulfilled through this young bride And the young bride covered up, slowly, the corpse bride, covered up the tattered wedding gown in the shallow grave, covered it all up with earth, then put wildflowers all over the grave and stones all around it.

Then the young bride went back to her fiancee and they were married in a very solemn wedding ceremony and they lived many happy years together. And all their children and grandchildren and great grandchildren were always told the story of the corpse bride, and so she was not forgotten, nor was the wisdom and compassion she had taught them forgotten either.

sweet eh.

you may be wonder why there's a corpse bride there. finding a dead bride buried is a real possibility. in the past, when there was much anti-semitism in europe, jewish bride were often murdered while on her way to be wedded so that they can no longer bear jewish descendants. sad but pretty true.

Meow

2005-09-18T02:35:00.000+08:00

this is my nursery class photo. barathi is in there. it's easy to spot her, she was the only indian girl in class. there're a lot of munjens so can you spot me?

i left this nursery after that teacher on the left scolded me. it's partially due to barathi. haha. we were singing national anthem. i turned around and looked at barathi. she wasn't singing but was talking to another girl and meowing. haha... i thought it was cool and starting meowing like a cat instead of singing the national anthem. haha i know lah. damn dumb lah. teacher heard it and i kenna scolding. oh boy, i was only 4 then. i cried. when i got home, my uncle teasingly told me that he could hear me crying from the house. (my ah ma's block is just opposite my nursery and we stayed on the 3rd floor. not sure if that was true, but it is possible to hear me wail from there.) then, i refused to return to that nursery and ended up in PAP.

i told barathi this. she was laughing her head off. she couldn't remember that incident clearly. we rekindled the old embarassing memories. ahh... pai seh.... but damn funny. she reminded me of my commode. in hokkien i call it tam pui. you know, the chair with the chamber pot for poo poo, wee wee. i wasn't old enough to use the squating toilet then. if i do, i'd fall and get stuck. so when i need to answer natural call, i'd bring out my tam pui to the living room and do my business there. barathi told me she'd sometimes walk past the flat and see me settling my business. she used to ask her mother why i i always to do it in the living room where neighbours can see when they walk past. and i seem to enjoy the attention. LOL. WTF. ENJOY THE ATTENTION??? "hey, i poo poo in the living room, do you???" she thinks that my younger sis seem to enjoy the attention even more than i do. haha. i couldn't stop laughing sia. so pai seh.... but i don't mind sharing becoz everybody was a kid once. haha

hohoho.... got a job and met Barathi.

2005-09-17T12:45:00.000+08:00

went for my job interview yesterday. i'm employed as a promoter at robinson. i'm excited to earn money but it also mean that my holidays are going to be work work and work. 8 hours a day, 6 days a week. no off day on weekends. it's is equivalent to a full time job. ahh.... next week lim peh session with fad and guys, i'm not sure if i can make it. i wanna see his botak head! and my to-do list... i'm not sure if i can complete them.

after interview, went to orchard with yong suan. i showed her the exact spot where the murdered maid's head was found. there's masking tape on the ground indicating the exact spot where it was first found. the tape is still there. can go check it out or something. stand at that spot and pose for a pic.

then, i met barathi at 6. before meeting her, i was pretty nervous. i wondered how she bas become. is she still the barathi i used to know as a kid? when i first saw her, i was so damn happy. imagine two girls jumping and hugging at orchard mrt station. that joy was inexplicable. we were next door neighbours, childhood friends before we even stepped into the same nursery. lost touch at 9. met her by chance in the bus when we were sec 1. got her number but lost it. found her on who lives near you?. took months to reply messages there because we seldom log on to that. it took us a long time to finally meet one another. it was the first time we meet after 5 years. gosh, she's taller now. everybody's growing taller than me. haiyah. i was so damn happy to see her lah. it's still the same old barathi but now taller and more feminine. did a lot of catching up. updating one another about our lives in past few years. found out we had a lot in common. we dressed quite alike too. lol. we wore black converse sneakers, blue jeans and a black shirt. lol. you can say it's telepathy. then we went to catch night watch. seems like a nice story, but we couldn't understand the some parts of it. it must be the editing. i wanna read that novel but it's in russian and has yet to be translated. what a shame.

ok gonna relax and chill before my work starts next mon.

The Cave

2005-09-17T12:18:00.000+08:00

It is a movie about the depth but with a plot as shallow as a baby pool. bores one from the beginning to the end. you see the characters with their equipments swimming into the cave, getting eaten up by monster, screaming weirdly. don't expect demons from hell or any other supernatural elements. do expect people walking out of the theatre during the movie. haha. i heard that one auntie actually walked out half way through the movie. she must be thinking, "what the fuck is this?"

it is the kind of movie i'd watch at home on cable channels when i've nothing better to do. not that it is really good and highly anticipated. sometimes u're just so so bored, you ended watching movies or shows that are not worth watching. this movie belongs to this category. haiz... waste my money. don't waste urs.

Nightcycling and delicious pratas

2005-09-17T12:13:00.000+08:00

Tuesday night was night cycling night. It was also a pain in the ass. Pain as in physical pain from having your butt planted onto the solid bike seat for too long.

We cycled pass mount vernon where the crematorium and cemetary used to be. There was this banner which says "Casket for sales". lol. It was spooky but very cool. My primary school was once temporary relocated to a old school building there for renovation. In the morning, it 'd be very very foggy and creepy. heard lots of stories about that place. i remembered having a bad dream about that an overhead bridge there. Cycling past that bridge was creepy sia.

Surprisingly, my butt didn't hurt as much as the other time, though we were travelling a longer distance this time.

Final destination was serangoon. the prata was nice man. i had milo dino, plain prata and cheese prata. cheese prata with sugar is simply delectable. yummy. i'm damn hungry now. feel like going back there again.

after our super early breakfast, we mounted our bikes again. That's when my butt started to hurt. cycled back to east coast, again chill at bedok jetty. i remembered audrey asking, "huh? why go bedok again? bedok jetty near east coast arh?" i didn't know how to answer her.

bedok jetty is a really nice place to sleep. if i'm homeless, i'd definitely sleep there. it is so breezy there in the morning. After lying down on the bench, i fell asleep very soon.

After returning our bike, we had breakfast at mcdonalds. haha. we had a little sharing session. what was said was kept within us. so i shan't dwell much on it.

2005-09-13T00:50:00.000+08:00

chatted with barathi just now. as we were talking about all the things we used to do as kids, i was overcame with a wave of nostalgia. oh boy, i really miss those days at my ah ma's place.

she asked me how was ah ma and ah kong doing, still living there? Initially, i thought of telling her about their passing, but i decided again it as i don't mention any sad things shortly after our reunion. since she asked me, i should just tell her then.

i think she thought they are still alive. i suddenly found it difficult to answer her. so much had changed since she moved out of circuit road block 40 around 8 years ago. so had the people who stays there. ah ma and ah kong had passed on actually. two years ago it was ah kong, one month ago, it was ah ma. i couldn't help tearing while breaking the news to her. grief just struck me again like that day i received that news. i just realised it is just as hard to tell someone somebody else had passed away.

she sounded pretty upset too. she replied, "hai. i loved them too." then i was thinking, maybe i should have told her in the first place. she cares for them too, she ought to know what happened. i wonder how will her brother feel when he learns about it. although he's an indian, he can speak hokkien really well. everytime he pass our flat, he would greet my ah kong ah ma, and ask if they had eaten in hokkien. although it is just a short exchange of words, it is endearing.

look, how many of us actually greet our neighbours when we pass by their flats. in those days, the only time we close our door was at night. neighbours could come in as they want for a morsel of gossip or mahjong. we didn't need to knock the door as a form of courtesy. everybody staying on the same floor were close knitted. we just stepped into the flat. back then, i'd be running between ah ma's flat and barathi's flat, jumping on her bed, playing sega games and watching tamil shows with her mother. so fun...

nowadays, behind those closed door, people dwell. we don't exactly know what's going on behind. i wondered where that camaraderie had dissipated to. Is that the price to pay for a nation's progression? The progression and competitiveness that had instilled pragmatism in us made us lose touch with human contact that we do not usually interact with. ok, i shall explain. there is a inevitable need to interact with our classmates in school or collegues at work or whatever. interaction is needed to get work done. so you gain something. but there is no inevitable need to interact with our neighbours. So does that mean we don't interact with them?

i don't know how many would understand what i'm trying to say, or how many would read until here. ah nvm

WAHAHAHA, NO MORE PAPERS!!!

2005-09-10T00:11:00.000+08:00

the taste of liberation is so sweet, it is tantamount to the taste of victory. this burden has been lifted from me. i'm free! Mgen today was easy. lol. but there is a lot to write. wrote 3 pages for a 20 mark question. then for the last question, i ran out of pages to write on so i requested for another booklet. in the end, i only managed to write 2 pathetic lines on the 2nd booklet. LOL. i'm feeling really guilty now. i wasted paper at the expense of trees. hopefully they'll recycle it or something, then at least i won't feel so bad about it.

i was so bloody tired. slept at 6am in the morning. woke up at 9 plus. stay through out the 3 hours during exam. didn't leave early. reach home. zzZZzz... however my mind doesn't seem to relax as it should. it felt like i still have another paper, and i need to wake up to study. i suddenly woke up for a while, and thought i need to study. maybe i was dreaming that i have yet to complete my exams. finally i convinced myself that it's all over and went back to sleep. look what one week of hectic revision had done to me. it had somehow traumatise me!

now, trying to chill. was look at some blogskin. can't wait to give mascara in the eyes blog a new look.

fadhli's enlistment was yesterday. i wonder how is he doing right now, how does he look like when botak. wondered if he asked the barber to keep his hair. he must be having a hard time sleeping now, whacking ka chua and other 6 legged bunk mates. he should be waking up in 6 hours time for morning jog or whatever. shall see him in 3 weeks time. lol.

was chatting with barathi just now. ah... my long lost neighbour. found her on who lives near u. i'm so elated! she was asking if i was still a siao char bo. hmm... i think so, at times. lots of people who know me when i was young or in primary sch perceive me as a siao char bo. i can't remember exactly how siao i was. i only remember having ghost story telling session. i'd hang this sign around my neck which says "ghost story telling session" and walk around the class. i got punished for talking too much. i liked crawling under the tables during lessons to say hello to my classmates sitting far away from me. i used to call people chao ah lian and insult them. i don't like ah lians back then. always find fault with the band conductor. i cut his finger once, attempted to puncture his car tyre with thumb tacks. i don't give a shit at all. i was mad.

i think i was really happy back then, always damn hyper. however, i don't have many close friends in primary school. i don''t like a lot of people there. bloody superifical, liars, stuck up people. i only had one close friends and she's qiu rong, studying same course as me too. it's because of her telling me about this course that i'm studying biotech now.

don't think i'm as crazy as i used to be already. if you think i'm crazy now, then you don't know how crazy i was in pri sch. i deserved to be thrown into the asylum back then. people grow and mature right. so i pretty much tame down already. haha.

once again, EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!

3 down, 1 to go.

2005-09-08T12:58:00.000+08:00

aimm was pretty easy. though i spend more time studying for fpath and biochem, i think i'd fare better for aimm.

ok cool. now left with MGen. yeah!!!

ok there're somethings i wanna do during the holidays.

* hang out with friends
* learn to play the guitar
* draw
* try to make a costume for cosplay if possible
* play around with the photoshop and give MITE's blog and my blog a new skin.
* read my book
* jam
* work, earn some money
* buy a roller blade
* dye, and maybe cut my hair
* chalet
* get my nose and lip piercing

arh... can't wait to do those.

yesterday, deb, grace, brian, fad and i went jamming for half and hour. our last jamming session before fad's enlistment. after which, we'll have a botak guitarist. lol. actually wanted to snip a bit of his hair, take a photo of him then place the hair and photo in an envelope. sweet memories of his time with long hair.

after jamming, we were looking at picks in the shop. i wanted to buy one since i lost mine. i was bending the pick then "pick!", the pick broke into two. oops. is it because i don't know my own strength or because i don't know the pick's strength? only deborah saw it. she told me to throw it back into the box. so i did. tried to hold back my laughter. the rest were still looking and talking to the shop keeper. i had this wry smile all the while. the shop keeper then reached into the box, the same compartment which i threw the broken pick into, and took one pick. i think he didn't see the broken one. heng. nvm lah, just a 50 cent pick.

had dinner at marche. only had rosti. sigh. wish i could eat more but i wasn't sure if i was hungry or full. it's a weird feeling. half of my stomach is feeling hungry the other half is feeling full. that always happened after a period of time when i eat very little. i wanna try the crepe, the soft shell crab, the sausages and other stuff.

ok. i better get my revision starting now.

2 down, 2 more to go

2005-09-06T01:03:00.000+08:00

having 2 papers a day is xiong.

it was my first time leaving a question blank, normally, i'd crap rubbish. since it's a calculation question and i don't know the equation. i just heck it.

i never like talking about my paper after it ended. i don't understand why so many people like to compare answers after the paper. i remember in sec sch, my classmates will copy another set of their answers on the question paper and check with others after the paper ended. why not spend the time checking your paper? what's done is done right? like knowing the correct answer after the whole thing ends will help.

i find it more of a demoraliser when you find out you got a question wrong. then you start blaming yourself for not getting it right. all this "if only i wrote this,", "if only that" starts popping in your head. as a result, you can't concentrate on our next paper. well, just let go. it's over. don't need to get so tensed up about it any more.

and there's this thing about being a dhl student. dhl students are also humans, have their ups and downs. when i say i won't be doing well for one paper, people don't believe it. it's ok. haha. people sometimes nudge me, "eh sure score very well one lah." i'll just shrug and say, "i don't know." it's a pressure in a less conspicuous form. people expect you to do well. they don't expect to see you fall.

normally i don't comment about the paper unless i'm pretty sure about it. so when i do comment, it's most likely to be true. i won't say i've fail unless i've left more than half the paper blank. even if i know i'll do well for a paper, i won't go around boasting too. i'll just shut up.

there are a certain group of people whom i can't stand. people who just say the phase "i fail already lah." like saying "i love you." they may say it, but they don't necessary mean it. out of their mouth are the words "fail, fail, fail" but jolly well in their heart they know they're going to do damn well. so superficial. imagine people who really failed their paper. these people made the people who actaully failed feel like they are the failures of all failures? pardon the pun. i knew lots of these people in my sec sch. i've felt like a failure before. So if you say you're going to fail, make sure you do.

2005-09-03T21:11:00.000+08:00

"In real life, sometimes, it never pays to be an antagonist. How I wish life is like a movie and I am the script writer."

That's my msn nick. How i wish i can control the outcome of every actions. everyone gets what they deserves. the good gets good retribution, the bad gets bad retribution. i think that happen in most movies. not all, there're some with endings that make you wanna throw popcorn, nachos or whatever at the screen.

in this world, things doesn't always turn out this way. i don't think you always reap what you sow. for example, my brother calls me a bitch even though i cleans up after his shit. if i don't clean it, i get scolded by my father. yeah. like this also cannot, like that also cannot. so now i tell my brother to fuck off and learn to wipe his own ass too. but that's a minor thing.

there's this women i know. a divorcee, brought up her 2 sons single handedly. looks after children really well. i respect her, a very nice lady. now her elder son is working overseas, for quite some time already, intend to become a permanent citizen there. he told his younger brother to look after her. it sounds like he's forsaking everything here to live overseas. i saw tears in her eyes as she was saying all these. felt very sad for her.

imagine, you toil so hard to raise your sons. then one of them just brush his hands and say bye bye. some kind of repayment eh. maybe he has reasons which i've no idea what. but for such a nice woman, she don't deserves this lah.

Nothing is fair. sigh....

Exam's next week. LOL. It feel like a quiz to me

2005-09-03T18:17:00.000+08:00

once again, it's the study week. it feels like the longest week every. i watch the hand on the clock moved hour by hour. time seems to be crawling its way to exam week. tried really hard to stay focus on my lectures notes. at the back of my head, sloth was beckoning to me. every often i'd wander away to the tv, the comp, newspaper. argh.... can't wait for exams to come and be over and done with it.

after exams, i'm going enjoy myself. wanan jam. but fadhli will be busy whacking cockroaches or other 6 legged creatures by then. we'll wait for you fad.

2005-08-31T08:42:00.000+08:00

ah ma just passed away, he just can't simply give us a break, can't he? still throwing his weight around while everyone is still grieving for ah ma. his apathy is something i can't tolerate.

came back home on thursday after receiving the news, was grieving still for ah ma. the first thing he told me, "it's ok lah. people age and die. it's ok one." the way he said, sound easy. well, it's not his mother who passed away duh. he obviously doesn't realise how important ah ma was to me to my mother and my siblings. she's the woman who cared for us since we were a baby till preadolescence. she doted on us, fed us, clothe us while he was away in aust, china working. doesn't he appreciate what ah ma had done? i don't see what the fuck his mother had done for us. all i know was that she did nothing good, she drove people mad, made couples quarrel with her defamations.

Defamation she speaks,
Helpless she acts,
Frail as she is,
But her heart is black.

Relentlessly spouting
Her words of poison.
Killing those around
With much ill intent.

I'd love to hate her
And hate to love her.
She knows no love
So it doesn't matter.

i wrote this long time ago. this poem is dedicated to my paternal grandma, for all the wrongdoings she caused. if there is one mistake that my ah ma had made, i think it would be to let my mum marry my father. as a result that my birth is also a mistake. many times i wonder why i was bornt to witness and go through all these shit. i'm feeling really bitter now. it's so unfair. my ah ma whom i so loved had left us. for my paternal grandma, despite all the harm she had caused, she's still hale and hearty, pretty much alive. i can't wait for the day that his mother die and i could say that same nonchalant things he told me. that is some vile words i just said but those are the words i had been wanting to say for a long time.

kor and mummy just left for ah ma's place. so i waited for him so we can go to ah ma's house together. then, he started talking to me about his mother's high blood pressure. need to look after her and stuff. shit, that was the last thing i wanna hear after ah ma pass away. so now after ah ma pass away, you're starting to worry about your mother huh. stupid shit, what makes you think i'd look after her? i can't wait for her to go. 89 yrs old already, 89 yrs of torment she had inflicted on people around her. that's enough!

after lunch, i waited for him while he was doing some stuff on his computer. after that, he went to sleep. fucking shit, i wanted to see ah ma as soon as i could! and there he was sleeping!!! that was blatant apathy!!! NVM!!! i shall go there myself! i managed to see my ah ma before the undertakers sealed the coffin. although i'm an atheist, i joined in the prayer. my father arrived 4 hours after i did. if i had waited for him, i won't be seeing my ah ma for the last time.

during the whole 5 days of the wake, i didn't go home for 3 days. reason being i want to be with my cousins, uncles, aunties and not to stay at home to see my father.

on monday, my ah ma's funeral, papa sat beside me during the journey to the crematorium. i didn't talk to him throughout the journey, was just too distraught.

everyone watched as the coffin got pushed into cremation chamber. my father was standing beside me. the viewing hall was filled with such palpable melancholy. ah ma was going to be no more. i couldn't control my tears. my father, who was beside me, was crying too. i was surprised. i wasn't sure he was crying because of my ah ma, or because he thought about his own mother. i was hoping that he finally empathise with us and stop making our lives miserable.

some false hope that was. one day after the funeral, just yesterday, he was scolding my sister over a minor thing. "the other one giving me stress already, now you also giving me stress." stress, they are sometimes self-induced. that was what i think for his case. stop blaming us for it! scold until my sister cried. oh please, spare her. spare everyone who is still grieving for ah ma.

2005-08-26T23:51:00.000+08:00

why does it feel like she is still around?

saw her yesterday, i thought i saw her chest was still heaving and her mouth was moving but i knew she did not.

i felt pretty ok today. it felt like she was still living among us but i knew she was not.

just now, i looked at the photos we took with her. photos taken way back before i was bornt and photos taken 1 month ago. it felt like she was still around.

not until when i see the coffin that i realised that what i felt all those while were not true. i know she's gone, but i still can't believe it.

2005-08-25T12:11:00.000+08:00

before my tutorial, i received sms from my brother. he wanted me back home asap. mummy broke down. i got the hint that our beloved ah ma just left us. so i went back home immediately. tried really hard to hold back my tears just now, but those tears kept welling in my eyes on my way back home. i've to accept the fact that she's gone.

She'd be greatly missed by her children and grandchildren. Almost all of my maternal cousins were taken care of by her when young. We definitely respect her. In our memory, she'll always be our dear doting ah ma. I'm going to miss her calling me dua leng and her laughter.

Ah ma, thank you for taking care of us and giving us a memorable childhood. we love you always. rest in peace.

You

2005-08-25T00:56:00.000+08:00

You clouded me in darkness
To be veiled from light.
You brought me into this world
To be out of it.
You are the poignant event
That strikes pain in me.
You are the one being
That i so loathe to see.

2005-08-22T13:21:00.000+08:00

Fraught with apprehension, I trod the path to her house. I longed to see her, but was afraid to do so too for i did not know what to expect. From what i heard from my mother, things weren't sounding too optimistic. She has not eaten for 2 weeks. I was not sure how i'd react to what i see.

the gate was opened as always. my uncle was sitting on the sofa, oblivious to my presence till i called out to him. i entered the room. saw my grandma lying on the bed. for a few second, i couldn't believe it was her - a gaunt figure lying there, her eyes and cheeks sunken in, eyelids half opened except for the blind eye. just a few weeks back, she was sitting up and laughing at my silly jokes. she would laugh at the slightest thing i do. well, it's my duty to entertain her, to keep her happy for all the while she had taken care of me.

however now, every breathe she takes seem excruciating. she can't laugh or even speak. i wish i can ease her pain with my silly jokes again. but i doubt she can see me too. it pains me to see her in such sorry state. i can't help but cry. i held her scrawny hand and said dua leng is here. yeah that's what she calls me. nobody else calls me dua leng. hope she heard me. i want her to know that i was there. i don't know what else to say, i just teared. i felt so useless, all i know was to cry. everytime i look at her, i can feel her pain. how could i make her feel better?

back at home, i reminisced about the times at my grandma's place. she took care of my siblings and i. i was grateful for her putting up with us. we were difficult to handle back then, always running around the block without informing her and ah gong. some funny thing i liked to do - play with her flabby arms. but now she's just skin and bone. and she'd sometimes freak me out by removing her prosthetic eyeball, but it intrigued me. when i was bored, i'd asked her to perform that little trick for me. yeah it sounds crazy.

before lessons begin, she'd bring me to the hawker centre to have my tea, half-boiled egg and kaya toast. there, she'd be chatting with other ah soh. then on the way to nursery, i'd bug her to buy me sweets and that chocolate with the toy in it. she yielded to my incessant request. my dear ah ma, she is so benign. i never hear her shouting at any of us. she dotes on each and every of her grandchildren. she does not deserve to stay on this way. i hope your pain will go away soon.

Emily Dance

2005-08-20T01:22:00.000+08:00

turning 18....

2005-08-19T23:46:00.000+08:00

it has been a week since i last typed a proper entry. but it feels like eons. i think it's because of so many happenings during the past week - agm, turning 18, slipknot concert, the projects, quizzes and all.

the agm went smoothly, commence on time. joanne's speech was flawless, beautifully delivered. i was so moved. a tear almost well up in my eye. i held back it though. yes, we are a family of once strangers. i'm so going to miss the ex committee members.

After agm, we celebrated joanne, roy, alan and my birthday. yeppie. had presents and delicious cakes.

i'd like to thank the studies club for celebrating my birthday. thank you guys for all the presents and cakes. for once in a very long time, my birthday feels like a birthday to me. i'm finally 18, a threshold to some prerogative. i can now learn driving, club legally, buy cigarettes and liquor from 7-11, watch m18 movie, get married (if any guy wants me). i can't wait to flash my ID to
show that i'm 18.

afterward, went to one of the pub in serangoon garden with eugene, fad the mat and sissy j. when we were there, roy was already half-gone. lynn was also there. haha. damn funny. he was very flushed and the liquor had somehow impaired his hearing. he was talking loudly and saying, huh? huh? huh?. haha. it was a comical sight.

brian later joined us. too bad, roy really couldn't make it. he had to be sent back. brian treated me to death drop. shiok ah. got pretty tipsy after that. didn't retch. went back home in taxi.

that's me turning 18!

4 days later - slipknot concert!!!! had been looking forward to it. went with brian, met dev and victor there. didn't manage to see shai, he was at the $100 area. before the performance start, some people pushed down the barricade to the $100 free standing area. lol. awww.... too bad for those who paid more when they don't have too.

it was a time when i put sch work and all things else off my mind. it was a good work out. jumping, moshing, head banging. right now, my neck, leg muscles seem to be toner.

frankly speaking, even i've been to many gigs. this was my first time moshing. i pushed people but it was i who fall back instead. at one point, i fell. lousy right. then another time, i knocked into someone holding baron beer, so the beer spilled onto my head. lol. brian got beer on his hoodie. lol. that the thing with short people.

at one point, all of us squat down. i looked back, and there was probably like thousand over people squatting down too. when corey growl 'jump the fuck up'. everybody jumped and began moshing.

so... i survived the slipknot concert. woo hoo. i thought i was going to pass out or something before the whole thing end. taller people like brian can breathe oxygen amidst the crowd, but shorties like me breathe, carbon dioxide and methane from farts and vaporised sweat.

slipknot said they'll be back. they swore to god. well, they better do because i'll be there.

after the concert, couldn't sleep. so it was back to work.

i'm so glad that my group had finished the report. csas 3 was a killer. i'm so relieved that it's over. yeppie.

exams is in 2 weeks time. sucks....

2005-08-15T09:44:00.000+08:00

i'm so fucking pissed. when i do my work, i fall asleep. wanna slap myself man.

have f path quizz today,
tue- AIMM quiz and deadline for AIMM lab report and slipknot concert.
wed - biochem lab quiz,
thurdays - need to hand in 20 sketches while i've only done 3, and also the big A1 drawing and figure drawing.
friday - mgen quiz and dateline for formal report. and my group somehow always says that it's easy to do. but i somehow think our report is not intact but pretty messy now.

how i wish i don't need to sleep? buy time from my sleep and use it to do my stuff.
i guess i shouldn't sleep for the next few nights.

Lacuna Coil

2005-08-09T21:27:00.000+08:00

Music Video Codes By VideoCodeZone

My favourite band that is, and they're from italy. don't you have to agree that the female vocalist is hot? she was voted the best female rock vocalist. cool huh? she's pretty and has a nice voice. i really like her voice.

what's her name u ask? she's cristina scabbia.

Heaven's a Lie is one of my fav song. hope to jam this with my band.

At Brian's request

2005-08-09T18:44:00.000+08:00

i just updated my blog

Juv, the Puking machine

2005-08-05T03:10:00.000+08:00

i'm at brian's house. was drinking and smoking at the void deck just now. singing, playing ping pong ping pong with brian like two big kids. and also not forgetting puking. all my $1.80 spagetti ended up mixed with gin, sprite, red bull and water, then on to the floor. that was my lunch and dinner man. feeling freaky hungry. fadhli also puke... lol. stumbling across the floor and throwing up like a fountain.

i can't go home in my previous state boy. think it was worse than the time at debo's house. so staying over at brian's.

after waking up from my little nap, i can't fucking sleep now. bleagh. fadhli too, he's behind like as usual behaving like a retard, can't sleep. lol.

i'm damn hungry, help!!! retard fad is still behind me, hungry too. shit, i don't know what to do now.

just hungry hungry, so hungry that i can eat fad. he looks delicious.

should stop ranting now, it's wasting me. byez

Barefooted Jamming

2005-08-04T02:56:00.000+08:00

went jamming with the other band. as usual, those 3 guys were late. dev booked the studio from 8.30 to 9.30. shai was supposed to pick victor, our new keyboardist and i from lavender at 8. but they arrived at 8.40. best. lol. shai had work, that's why. so no choice, we had to book another studio.

the studio we went is called beat merchant. it's really weird you know. you have to remove your shoes before entering it. it's like we're entering a japanese home or something. the studio was very spaceous and the equipments were in pretty good shape. no cracked cymbals like those in boons. we were just missing one keyboard rack.

it's the 2nd time we were jamming with our new keyboardist and the first time jamming with double pedal. with the keyboard and double pedal, the songs sounded so much different and better. i watched shai drum. though the songs requires fast and steady hands, he ensconced himself on the stool and plays with much ease. damn pro. haha, i don't know why. he always has this smile while drumming. or maybe he always has this cheeky smile, drumming or not.

for the first time, we jammed swamped without any cock up. jammed another new song, nymphetamine by cradle of filth. one of my favourite songs of all time. haven't grew tired of it since last year. singing it was definitely enjoyable. i sang liv kristine part and dev was squealing dani's part with a sore throat. cannot make it. it's difficult for him. so nvm, 2nd time. i did dani's part for dev. dev told me to sing it normally, but i tried to squeal. lol. my throat hurt like shit after that song. i wonder how the hell the arch enemy vocalist growl sia. superwomen sey. then shai started whacking some beat on the drum. ah... arch enemy - enemy within. dev accompanied the beat with his bass. the rest just watched. victor suddenly came forward and growling into the mic. lol.

then they started playing slipknot's duality. victor continued to sing and growl. i got nothing to do. so i picked up one guitar and followed how anad strum. can't really catch it, so anyhow strum. lol. all these are just impromptu actions.

after jamming, we didn't go makan like we used to. went home straight. had essay to write, quiz to study, drawings to draw. did my essay halfway through only. leave the rest for tmw man. sian. turning in now. i'm off. zzZZzzzZZzz......

2005-08-02T09:08:00.000+08:00

when situations go wrong? does it always has to be somebody's fault? it seems to be the case for you. you look for someone to blame on and that someone is never you. even for a minor blunder, you make a big fucking fuss out of it. you chide and chide, pushing all the blames on others, absolving youself from it. you always want to be the winner. on the surface, you seem to be, you think to be, but in every other people's eyes, you are a big time loser. if you want to be a genuine winner, you should earn that respect from others and in their eyes, they should behold a winner too.

you called her a pighead when you seemed to be so sure of yourself but in fact you're not. she was in the right actually. you give wrong directions yet you called her pighead!!! if she's a pighead, i'd rather respect a pighead than respect a wuss like you. honestly speaking from my heart, i do respect her more than you. i love her more than i love you. you're too proud to put your head down and admit your mistake, so proud to extent of degrading others to hone your superiority. that's something that disgust me. when she told me that incident, i felt bloody ashamed of you, a misogynist!

even when the fault is yours, people kindly explain to you. you rebut, push the responsiblity. i'm tired of trying to reason things out with a unreasonable man like you. though i don't try to reason with you anymore, it doesn't mean that i admit to be in the wrong. in fact, i'm sniggering at you disdainfully. can't understand why that smile when you scold me? i was sniggering at you!!!

it's all futile despite our effort to speak reasonably with you anyway. you always avoid the real issues. so why talk? tired talking to you before, guess it was the wrong time, you were flushed and weren't clear in the mind. still, it's same old defensive manner in which you spoke. you're a wuss, unable to face the problem.

now that things are screwed up, you lament and lament. so you are never at fault for this situation huh? you're always saying, "why are you like that?", "why is she like that?". have you ever question yourself on what you've done wrong? come on, everyone's at fault, i think i'm at fault too. all these issues could be dissolved if you put your pride aside and come face to face with your mistakes. if you are a true man, admit you're wrong. everybody makes mistakes. everybody certainly do not want this to go on and on.